Harry Potter and the Unacceptable Title
by hermyandronforevr
Summary: This is just a nonsense story of the trio’s sixth year at Hogwarts. It’s really random and crazy but does have a slight plot. It’s mostly RonHermione with a little HarryGinny. Ch. 14 up!
1. Feminism and Erection

**A/N- **Okay, I'm now posting this story for what seems like the millionth time. My account was recently erased for no reason and I had to make a new one. This _is_ hermyandron4evr, but the site wouldn't let me use the 4 so now I'm hermyandronforevr. So, if you've been reading this story, please continue and re-review. Most of my stories were lost but this one was thankfully saved. But when I retrieved the file it cut off chapters ten through seventeen for some reason. So if you know ANYTHING about the fic (paragraphs, chapter names, even just certain little incidents that happened) please tell me so I can rewrite those chapters as close to the original as possible. Thanks.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Harry Potter or anything you may recognize. I am poor, that proves I do not receive any money. Thank you.

**A/N 2- **If you're new to our happy little family here, every chapter will have a theme song that will be incorporated into the story somehow and every chapter will be dedicated to someone or something. I am still taking song requests. Any song you request will be noted and shall be used at some point, whether it be in this fic or in it's sequel. Unless I have some legitimate reason to not use it. When the text is **bold** and in _italics_ that means it's an author's note.

The (parenthesis) mean it's part of the story. Also, every chapter after this will contain responses to all reviews. It seems now to be a tradition with this particular fic.

**Please note this fic is rated R and has a lot of crude and sexual humor. If you think something is too explicit, please let me know and I'll alter it. Thanks so much!**

**Summary- **This is just a non-sense story of the trio's sixth year at Hogwarts. It's really random and crazy but _does _have a slight plot. It's mostly Ron/Hermione with a little Harry/Ginny. The real name of the fic is_ HP and the Fake Orgasm_. But it was deleted once because the title has to be G rated so I changed it to _HP and the Unacceptable Title._

**This chapter is dedicated to me and RootBeerFloat (now RootBeerFloatResurrected) because both of our accounts were deleted for no reason.**

**The theme song for this chapter is "All the Small Things" by Blink 182.**

**Now that I've bored you all to death with all this crap, on with the program!**

**Harry Potter and the Fake Orgasm**

**Chapter 1: Feminism and Erection**

Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Ginny sat in the compartment of the Hogwarts Express. They were very happy to have finally found an empty compartment on the train, because (like every other year) they (for some inexplicable reason) were the last people on the train and every compartment but _one_ was full!

Hermione, who wasn't speaking to Ron because they had had yet _another_ fight, was absorbed in her poetry book, which happened to be filled with mostly Sylvia Plath. Over the summer Hermione had taken to listening to Alanis Morisette cry and whine like an annoying bitch because she's an annoying bitch.

She'd become extremely interested in female empowerment and now hated anything that had a penis. She'd almost gotten rid of Crookshanks until she found him shagging the neighbor's cat, Mr. Fluffy-Poo. The fact that Crooshanks was gay seemed to cancel out the fact that he was male. Isn't it ironic, don't cha think? **_No Alanis, it's not ironic! Shut the fuck up! If you can't tell, I HATE her!_**

Ginny sat with her knees tightly together and her hands in her lap. After discovering over the summer how babies are made, she'd taken a vow to herself that she was never going to have sex and no guy was to come within a foot of her "naughty place."

Harry was, as all seventeen year-old boys do frequently, polishing his wand. **_No, he was not masturbating, you perv! He was actually polishing his wand! Some people, honestly!_** It had some how gotten dirt all over it and, let's face it, no one likes a dirty magic stick. **_Get your mind out of the gutter. _**Over the summer, Harry had busied himself by watching a lot of the old show "Batman" from the sixties because Dudley discovered that a portable TV could go _anywhere_ and no longer needed his old one. Harry had saved it from the stinky death of the dumpster.

Ron was glaring at Hermione and his ears were **_you guessed it!_** as red as his hair. Which is red…like a tomato…or an apple…or a cherry. Mmmm…pie. **_Tomato pie? Ew. _**But…anyway…he was glaring. He was very angry with her, though he couldn't remember why he was angry with her and this made him even angrier with her, because she wouldn't tell him why he was angry with her.

There was a loud grumbling noise and everyone looked up. That's right, it was loud enough and interesting enough to make them all look up…at the ceiling.

"What was that?" Ginny asked, sounding scared.

"Holy monkey fur!" Harry exclaimed.

"It—it was my stomach," Ron stammered. His ears turned redder than his hair. **_That's right! I said _redder_ than his hair. What are you gonna do about it? Huh-Cowers in corner and sucks thumb- Please don't hurt me._** "I'm hungry!"

"I heard a grumbling noise," said the trolley witch, walking up with the trolley. "Anything off the trolley, dears?"

Ron nodded vigorously. He jumped up, took the entire trolley, and said, "Well? Pay the woman, Harry."

"Holy stretch marks!" Harry exclaimed, giving the witch all the gold he had.

At that moment none other than Malfoy, Crabbe, and Goyle entered the room. I mean, you had to expect it! It's not like they don't bombard their compartment _every_ year. **_I was being sarcastic._**

"Hello, Pothead…Mudblood…Weasel…and…uh…_girl_ weasel!" Malfoy drawled.

"Dun caw ha a Muhbud, Maboy!" Ron said, through a mouthful of sixteen chocolate frogs.

"Shut it, Weasel!" Malfoy sneered. "I'll call her a Mudblood if I want." He turned to Hermione and said, "Mudblood!"

At this Hermione jumped up, stared at Malfoy and said, "Don't call me a Weasel or him a Mudblood…uh, vice versa. Don't call Ginny a girl Weasel or Harry…well, yeah."

"Holy—hey!" Harry exclaimed.

"Oh, come off it, Harry!" Hermione said, throwing a hair clip at him. "Everyone knows you smoke more pot than Cheech and Chong put together!"

"Oh, I do not!" Harry said, lighting up a joint.

"Who's Cheech and Chong?" Ginny asked.

"Nobody," Hermione answered, not wanting to corrupt Ginny's fragile, innocent mind.

Ginny bobbed her head whilst humming "All the Small Things."

"I can do whatever I want!" Malfoy said. "…'cause my daddy says so! You stupid Mudblood!"

"Don't make me go 'Xena' on your ass!" Hermione shouted.

"Xena?" Malfoy asked. "Who's Xena?

Hermione stared at him angrily and then sang/shouted, "Yoouuuu outta knooooow!"

"What the?" but Malfoy didn't get to finish because Hermione was running toward him.

"Iyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyi!" she screamed. Malfoy, Crabbe, and Goyle fled from the room. Malfoy yelling, "I'm telling my mummy! You weird-ass, Mudblood bitch."

"Holy Mardi Gras beads!" Harry exclaimed.

Ron gaped like a fish. **_Do fish actually gape?_** Then he ate a grape. Then he gaped some more.

"Hmm…hmmmhmm…hmmm…humm," said Ginny.

Hermione sat back down and buried her nose in her book. Then, realizing she couldn't with the book that close, she pulled it back some. Ron was still graping…I mean gaping. He was about to eat his fifty-seventh chocolate frog when he looked down and let out a very loud but quiet squeal. Right in front of him was a very noticeable erection.

**Please review! Or re-review if you've done so already! I love you all and am sorry for the inconvenience. **

**IF YOU HAVE ANY PROBLEMS WITH THIS FIC PLEASE CONTACT ME AND NOT THE ADMINISTRATORS WITH IT. I WILL CHANGE/CORRECT THE PROBLEM! THANK YOU!**

**A/N 3- **Chapter 2 will be up really soon! There will be 30 chapters in total and a sequel…_if _I'm ever able to finish this one. The chapters will get longer as the story goes along.


	2. Hide and Seek and Hoo

**Badbreathbob- **You're my first reviewer this time around! Yay! I'm glad you like the story! I hope you continue to read throughout this wonderfully random journey of ours!

**Jessibelle- **Yes, my fics are back from the dead. This one at least.

**Karlabob- **I feel worshiped. Is that a true feeling and/or emotion? Tis now! Well…yes, Mountain Dew® counts as sugar. Hooray for sugar!

**Thepurpleluver- **Yes, I was terrified of you "booh." Yes, yes, I'll do the damn Ashlee Simpson song. Ugh…but I shall leave it in.

**DementersChild- **Yes, tis sad I was deleted. But I am back now. I'm cold.

**HBP- **Yes, this is different. It's supposed to be weird. Not everyone will get it. You have to like random things and find the humor in them. I love you too!

**ZadieCrowe- **Glad you like! Hey, I have a great-aunt named Zadie!

**Sally- **Well, I most certainly don't want you to die, so I shall update now-Poof-

**The theme song for this chapter does not exist. **

**This chapter is dedicated to my friend Allison because today is her birthday.**

**Chapter 2: Hide and Seek and Hoo**

Ron stared at the erection in shock. This had never happened to him before. He was extremely scared and terrified. His squeal had made everybody in the compartment look at him. Now Hermione was graping…I mean gaping. Harry stared at his friend and said, "Holy chicken fried rice!"

Ginny giggled. "Ron!" she said. "What's that in your robes? Are you being silly? You silly goose!"

"Gin-Ginny?" Ron gulped. "Can-can you go talk to Neville for a bit?" He was still staring at his hard penis.

"Of course I can!" she answered, getting up and skipping out of the room. She shook her head and said, "Silly goose! You're wands sticking up from your pocket by the way." Ron frantically nodded.

When she'd gone, Ron locked the door and said, "What am I gonna do?"

"You gotta take care of it," Harry laughed, trying not to laugh.

"Huh?" Ron said, poking the tip his erection with his forefinger. It felt rather good.

"You gotta _take care_ of it!" Harry repeated, rolling his eyes.

"What d'ya mean?" Ron asked, stupidly.

"Holy Tickle-Me-Elmo®!" Harry exclaimed, throwing his stuffed poodle out the window.

"Oh, for Merlin's sake!" Hermione shouted, throwing her book out the window and closing it (the window not the book). "Ron, you gotta beat off!"

"Ohhh!" Ron said, finally understanding. "B-but I don't know how. I mean, what if I do it wrong and y'know, it's fucked up for life? Of all the parts of my body that I don't want fucked up, that's definitely in the top five!" **_The other four of course are his eyes, his left hand, his right hand, and his pinky toe._**

Hermione sighed and rolled up her sleeves. "Fine, I'll do it!"

"Holy ice capades!" Harry yelled. "I'm outta here," he looked back at Hermione. "Unless you wanna do me next," he said, winking.

"Harry," Hermione sighed. "I think you've had enough experience jacking off to last you a lifetime." Harry left, sulking. "Plus, the author is completely against H/Hr shipping and is very passionate about me and Ron. So don't count on getting any from me in any of her fics." "Okay," Hermione said, after she'd shut and locked the compartment door. "Pull it out."

Ron's ears went radish-like (not the color, they actually turned into radishes…). But, anyway, he did as he was told, because he liked to be dominated. He released his erect penis from its zipper prison and it popped out with a "shwing."

Hermione was squirting lotion into her hands and was about to grip the attentive soldier when a blue owl fluttered in through the closed window and vibrated softly. "Ooh!" said Hermione, turning away from Ron's hardness to stare at the bird.

Hedwig let out a small, "Hoo."

"Ooh!" Hermione repeated.

"Hoo," Hedwig stated matter-of-factly.

"Polly wanna cracker?" Hermione asked, holding out a lamb chop.

"Hoo!" Hedwig shouted. She was now becoming angry.

"Oh, you are just so cute!" Hermione explained.

"Hoo!" Hedwig said. She was now getting desperate.

"Well," said Hermione. "I shall keep you. Go up there with Hedwig." The owl obeyed.

"Oh!" Hermione exclaimed suddenly remembering Ron was exposed. "Now, I want you to know, Ron that I'm doing this just to be a friend. _Not_ because I feel it's my duty as a woman."

"I know," Ron answered, eagerly.

"Hoo," said Hedwig in agreement. She had decided that if she were a human, she would be a feminist, too…and a lesbian.

Ron finally received his first hand job. After twenty minutes Hermione said, "God, Ron! Will you come already? My arm is getting tired!"

"Hold on!" Ron ejaculated. **_No, not what you're thinking, Gutter Mind_**! A few minutes later he ejaculated.

Hermione took her wand out and said, "Scourgify." And the mess disappeared.

Harry and Ginny re-entered. Ron's ears returned to normal with a _pop_.**_ I like making that noise with my mouth. –Pop-_**

"Holy guacamole dip!" Harry exclaimed. He was extremely paranoid, being a pothead and all. "What was that!"

"My ears, they popped," Ron answered.

"Is the air pressure increasing?" Ginny asked, looking under her skirt. Then, noticing Harry had joined her she pulled it down and held her knees together.

"Look," said Hermione, pointing to the purple owl. "This is Hoo, my new owl."

"Why is his name Hoo?" Harry quandered. **_Is that a word? Well, it is now!_**

"Well, that's what Hedwig kept calling him," Hermione answered.

Dean Thomas burst into the room and said, "Have you seen Seamus?" He pondered.

"No!" They all yelled angrily in unison!

"Damn!" Dean plurted. **_Yet another new word._** "We're playing hide and seek and I can't find him any where!" He turned and left.

The train stopped suddenly and they were all thrown into the wall.

"Holy pixie dust!" Harry exclaimed.

They were now at Hogwarts. **_Dun dun dun!_**

_Will Hermione find the toast? Is there really a basket of mini-muffins under Professor McGonagall's desk? Can Ron yodel? Find out the answers to these questions and more next time in _Harry Potter and the Unacceptable Title.

**A/N 2- **Before someone makes the comment, I'd like to point out that I _know _it's unusual for a guy to have his first erection so late in life. It's just a story.

**Come on people! I know you can do better than eight reviews! I've seen you do it! This is unacceptable! Like the original title of this story! I shan't have it, I shan't! Please review! If you do I shall giveth you some Carmex®.**


	3. Trimspa and Jim

**Thanks to all who reviewed! I love you all!**

**mInI-mE- **Hey twin! I'm glad you like my story! It's so weird you read it before! Everything's so weird! I'm freaking out! I'm very happy I found you because now I've found my Mini-Me and my identical foot twin. My friend and I have identical feet. You know, like Joey on "Friends" has his identical hand twin? LOL. Well, I shall continue reading your story and I hope you'll do the same for me. Talk to you later!

**KarlaBob- **I really do feel worshiped. Thank you for giving me the worshiped feeling. I love you too.

**Jessibelle- **Hey! LOL. You don't know what Carmex® is? OMG! It's a really famous chapstick/lip balm. It's wax-ish and smells weird (weird not bad). It works really well. I continue to enjoy your organized reviews.

**DownerLithium- **Glad you like the story. I shall keep reviewing!

**R+H- **Hello! You are a new reviewer I think. By which I mean you didn't read this the other time. Well, I'm glad you like it and I shall keep it as it is. Thank you! Keep reviewing!

**Hermione-April- **Hey, I'm glad you found my story again. Yeah, I've got the Steve thing still. If you happen to remember anything along the please tell me! Thanks so much!

**Mouskadiddle- **Hey. I'm glad that you found my story again. I'll be looking forward to your reviews.

**DemetersChild- **I loved your review! It was so cute! That would be 482,680,999,999 verys.

**LoVe-My-SlYtHeRiN-bOyS****- **Hi! You are new. I love new people! I'm glad you like the story. It only gets better, to me anyway. I absolutely love your name!

**greeneyedslytheryn- **I'm glad you like the story. You're the only person who's ever said anything about not liking the holies. Most people love them (including me). So, I'm not going to take them out, but I hope you'll look past them and continue to read.

**KMK- **Yeah, it does suck like a vacuum. But I'll be ok. I'll be looking forward to your reviews.

**Seikou- **Yay you reviewed! Yay David! Hee hee. Well, tis very very late. Going to bed. Love ya lots.

**This chapter is dedicated to Molly who is my Internet twin, my mini-me.**

**Chapter 3: Trimspa and Jim**

Harry, Ron, and Hermione walked into the Great Hall and took their seats at the Gryffindor table. Professor McGonagall brought the three-legged stool in with the Sorting Hat on top. **_I have decided that the stool lost his leg in Vietnam. _**Professor McGonagall placed the stool and hat in front of the whole school. **_Hee hee…stool and school rhyme._**

The nervous and slightly scared **_by slightly scared I mean so terrified they're about to fuckin' pee in their pants _**first years entered, looking nervous and…slightly scared. When they were all silent the hat burst into…flame. Yes, the hat burst into _flame_. When McGonagall managed to put it out, it burst into song:

"_To you I may be an eyesore_

_But I'll decide where you belong_

_Slytherin, Ravenclaw, Hufflepuff, or Gryffindor_

_Now on with my dumbass song_

_Maybe you'll be in Slytherin_

_Trashy, wretched, and vile_

_A state of gloom will you be in_

_Out for yourself all the while_

_Or perhaps wise old Ravenclaw_

_When you grow up, you'll be well paid_

_But the least sense of humor I ever saw_

_It'll take all your money to get you laid_

_Though it could be Hufflepuff_

_Where most are kind and/or homosexual_

_They are nice and let you borrow stuff_

_Most give head like professionals_

_Or you may be a Gryffindor_

_Where you'll like to be the hero_

_Here the rules apply no more _

_But you'll be extremely horny, sooo_

_Put me on_

_And I shall tell_

_End of song_

_You can all go to hell_."

When the hat finished the song, it burst into flame…again. And Professor McGonagall put it out…again. She went through the names of the new students. She started with Bacchanal, Latrice (whom was put in Slytherin) and ended with Xyloid, Simpleton (whom was put in Ravenclaw). When Simpleton Xyloid had sat down at the Slytherin table (he was very obnoxious and didn't like being told what to do) the Sorting hat burst into flame…again. It was two minutes before Professor McGonagall realized it this time.

When she had beaten the flaming hat out, she checked its pulse. There, of course, wasn't one. So she threw the hat into the garbage bin.

"Oh, dear," said Dumbledore. "We've still got one student left to be sorted…Oh! I've got it! Jim, will you come here please?"

A boy climbed down from the pine tree that stood in the middle of the Great Hall. He sheepishly (not shyly, he pretended to be a sheep) walked up to the front.

"This is Jim Eff," Dumbledore stated. "He is our foreign exchange student from America."

Hermione gaped…I mean graped…no, wait…anyway, she whispered to Harry and Ron, "We've never had a foreign exchange student before."

Harry rolled his eyes and said, "Holy glue sticks!"

Ron said, "We _know_! We've been here as long as you have." They turned back to Dumbledore, who had stopped talking. When they were silent again he began talking…again.

"We've traded another student for Jim. That student was **_dun dun dun!_** Cho Chang." There was an eruption of cheers. "We traded her, because everyone knows she's an annoying, stupid, bitchy, slut and no one likes her." There was more applause. "But since we no longer have the Sorting Hat, I have a new plan. Professor Trelawney, could you come here, too, please?"

Professor Trelawney walked from the staff table to where Jim was. "Now, Jim," said Dumbledore. "Instead of putting the Sorting Hat on your head, you shall hold Professor Trelawney _above_ your head and she shall tell you what house you'll be in."

Professor Trelawney looked terrified but Jim did as he was told. Professor Trelawney thought for a moment then shrugged and said, "Gryffindor?"

Jim put her down and went to the Gryffindor table. "Now, on with the announcements," said Dumbledore. "We have two new teachers with us this year. Professor Obfuscate and Professor Dim. Professor Dim will be teaching Defense Against the Dark Arts and Professor Obfuscate will be teaching a new subject, Group Therapy. Well, umm…yeah, rules, rules, rules…blah, blah, blah. Let's eat!"

When everyone had eaten so much they thought they were going puke (and some did), they went to their Common Rooms. When the Gryffindors reached their's they received a shocking surprise. They gasped in unison. **_Gasp!_** The Fat Lady in the pink dress was now the Skinny Lady in the red dress.

"Wow!" said Seamus. "What happened to you!"

"Trimspa, baby," the Skinny Lady answered, winking.

"Oh!" said Hermione, who was Head Girl **_who else?_**. "Is that why the password is 'Eat your heart out, Atkins'?"

The Skinny Lady nodded and the portrait swung open. They all clamored in and most of them went to their dormitories. However, Ron, Jim, Harry, Hermione, Dean, and Seamus decided to stay in the Common Room and talk.

"So, Jim," Ginny said. "How much can you bench press?"

"What?" they all said.

"Just thought it was a good topic to start off on," Ginny said, dropping her bag of highlighters into the bathtub that was in the middle of the Common Room and blushing like a raccoon who was caught eating a rotten banana from the garbage of an elderly divorced/widowed Muggle woman.

"It's okay," Jim said. "Two hundred. And you?"

"Uh…" Ginny said, blushing even more. Now she looked like an elephant caught eating a rotten banana from the trash of an elderly divorced/widowed Muggle woman. "I—I probably can't even bench the bar."

"Me either," Hermione giggled, throwing her shoes into the fire.

"Two hundred also," said Ron.

"One-forty," said Harry.

"One-fifty and a quarter," said Dean.

"Fuck," said Seamus laughing. "I can barely bench a doughnut."

They stayed up talking for ages until they all fell asleep in the Common Room. Hermione's shoes burning warmly in the flames.

_Will Hermione like the toast? Will Ron bench something? Will Harry meet Sarah Michelle Gellar? The answers to these questions and more next time in _Harry Potter and the Unacceptable Title.

**Please review. If you do, I'll give you all a massage! Yay for massages! **


	4. Daddy and OFF

**Okay! Here's chapter four! I've got some great news! I'm getting the Internet hooked back up at my house so updates will be more frequent. Yay!**

**Thanks so much to those of you who reviewed. I love you bunches!**

**HBP- **Keep in mind I'm being stupid in this story. And no, I don't have a life. Amber says Captain Crunch®.

**ZadieCrowe- **LOL. I feel loved…and stalked…LOL. Thanks so much. I'm glad you like it. Amber thinks you're weird (but tis not a bad thing to be weird because Amber is crazy).

**KarlaBob- **I'm glad you laughed. Yay. I'm sorry you're sick. Get better now! I continue to feel worshipped. Amber says don't throw up Captain Crunch®.

**DemetersChild- **Yay! Glad you liketh. I had to take Johnny Depp out because I was scared. You can get in trouble on the site if you put people like that in your stories. So I sadly had to change it. Yes Cho is evil! Harry's holies are very popular. Glad you like them. Amber says you can't have Johnny Depp because he is hers.

**griffendorgirl- **I'm glad you like it! Your song requests have been noted. Please continue to review. Amber says "I'm weird, you're weird, but so what we're all weird."

**Fiyren-Valkyrie****- **Glad you like. I'm also glad you agree with me about Cho because I HATE her. Amber says she's thirsty and she wants some Dr. Pepper®.

**jackblack- **Glad you like the story. Yes, it is longer. I'm reposting it because I got deleted. I'm doing it like a regular fic though. Amber says your name sounds like a cigar.

**Regan- **LOL. Thank you. Amber says hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii.

**Jessibelle- **Thanks so much. Everyone seems to like the Sorting Hat's song. I'm glad because I wrote it all by me oncey. I continue to love your organized reviews. Amber says she likes your name.

**Meditation6- **Thanks, I'm glad I'm back too. Glad I'm able to cheer you up. Amber says the dog smells like a dog.

**Chapter 4: Daddy and OFF**

The next day they all woke up late (but all at the same time) and had to hurriedly get dressed. Hermione was desperately looking around the Common Room for her shoes.

"You threw them in the fire," Harry said, slipping his own on **_ha ha own on!_** as if to rub it in. That's just like saying "I have shoes and you don't! Nananananana!"

"Just go barefoot," said Ginny, helpfully tossing the janitor keys out the window. Ron, who had developed a foot fetish over the years, nodded vigorously.

Hermione sighed, "Alright."

As they were walking down the hall, a Hufflepuff boy named Nic screamed.

"Holy hell!" they all said in unison. **_Because we all know how often seven people say the exact same thing at the exact same time._**

"Ewww!" Nic said, pointing at Hermione. "You're barefoot! That's gross! And the Harry Potter books are stupid. Blah, blah, blah."

"You're not supposed to mention the books to us, dumbass!" Hermione shouted sniggorously. **_That's not a word. Oh, well, now it is._** "We're not supposed to know we don't exist!" **_I have trouble convincing myself this…not that I exist, that the Harry Potter characters don't exist. Wait, do I exist?_**

"Wizards don't ride brooms!" Nic continued, with more stupidity than anyone in the world has ever heard. "And J.K. Rowling practices witchcraft!"

"That's stupid. You have no idea what you're talking about!" Hermione screamed. "I'm not arguing with you!"

"Fine," said Nic, shooting an arrow at the apple on Neville's head as he walked by, "I'll go argue with the author because that is my only joy in life! Mwuahahahah!"

A bag of bricks fell on Nic's head and knocked him unconscious. Harry, Ron, Hermione, Dean, Jim, and Seamus walked into their first class, Defense Against the Dark Arts.

"Good," Professor Dim said. He had sexy black hair and sexy brown eyes. And he was sexy. "You're here. I can start." They sat down. Hermione stared at the extremely sexy teacher. "Welcome!" He said, lighting up a cigarette sexily. "This is Defense Against the Dark Arts. Or I suppose you can call it DADA. No, actually, from now on this course shall be called 'Daddy.'"

"But, sir," Hermione said, raising her wand...I mean, hand. **_Damn it!_** "Why?"

"Because," Professor Dim said. "I said so. I don't need a reason. Now, in Daddy, you will learn about defending yourself against naughty things. Now, I want you to write an essay on everything you don't know..."

"But, sir," Hermione said stretching her hand up as far as it would go. "How can we write about what we don't know?"

Professor Dim walked slowly toward her with his hand inside his robes. "Can you say that into the Furby?" he said, holding out a small black and white Furby.

"What?" Hermione asked confuzzled. **_That is a word. In my vocabulary at least, it is. For those of you who don't know, it means confused. Thank you._**

"All questions shall be said into the Furby. And when the Furby is full, I shall answer the questions," Professor Dim replied.

"How will you" Hermione began. Professor Dim moved the Furby closer. "Oh, never mind!" she said, tossing her bowl of Cheerios® into the litter box in the middle of the room.

"Now," said Professor Dim. "Start on your essays of everything you don't know now...or don't...it's due...whenever. I don't give a damn what you do." He lit up another cigarette, after throwing the butt of the other one in the litter box. "Just don't touch my Jack Daniels!" He walked out of the room, shutting the door.

"Holy glow in the dark condoms!" Harry exclaimed.

"Well," Hermione sighed. "He just...I don't like him."

"What?" Parvati said, sniffing her fingernail polish. "He's _so_ cute!"

"And he doesn't care what we do!" Ron said.

They decided to have a party in the litter box.

When it was time to go, Professor Dim re-entered. "Okay, get the fuck out."

They obeyed and went off to the Great Hall for lunch. Hermione was still barefoot.

Hermione had just started her Oreos® and peanut butter **_yummy!_** when Hoo flew in and landed on Harry's head.

"Holy Gummi Bears!" Harry exclaimed. He picked up the green owl and handed it to Hermione.

She untied the letter and read it to herself. Then she folded it up and placed it in the plate of bacon. She noticed Ron staring at her.

"Who was that from?" he asked, throwing the salt shaker over his shoulder and knocking out a third year Ravenclaw boy. "It wasn't from Vicky was it?"

"NO!" Hermione said. "Viktor died in a freak penguin accident last year! You know, with the bus! That was from my mum. My Uncle Herbert died."

"Holy Mouseketeers!" Harry exclaimed. "I'm sorry, Hermit Crab!"

"It's okay," Hermione sighed, spooning a mouthful of Captain Crunch® **_the best_** **_cereal EVER!_** into her mouth. "No one liked him anyway. He smelled like fingernail polish remover."

"Oh," said Ron. "You wanna go have sex?"

"No," Hermione replied pouring her milk on Crookshanks's head.

That night in the Common Room, Harry, Ron, and Hermione were sitting...in the Common Room.

"Wanna go have sex now?" Ron asked.

"No," Hermione replied.

"Oh, give it up!" Harry said, rolling his third blunt for that evening.

"Who?" Ron asked.

"Where?" Hermione said, looking around the room.

"Are you telling me to give up trying, or are you telling Hermione to give it _up_ to me?" Ron perplexed.

"Both of you...no...I don't give of fuck! Holy Bible! Quit interrogating me!" Harry exclaimed. His eyes dodged around the room quickly.

"You wanna go for a walk?" Ron asked.

"Yes," Harry answered.

"Not you," Ron said, straightening his panty hose. (Harry's not his own).

They walked out onto the grounds and sat down by the lake. "Can we have sex now?" Ron asked.

"No," Hermione answered, slapping her foot. She was still barefoot.

Ron sighed. He took his panty hose off and gave them to the Giant Squid for a snack. (His own, not Harry's). Hermione slapped her arm. After five minutes of silence, Hermione slapped Ron in the face.

"OW!" Ron said. "What was that for?"

"Mosquito," Hermione answered.

"Well I don't think you should punish me for what some mosquito did!" Ron erupted. "Hermione?"

"Yeah?"

"You know what?" Ron said.

"I'm being eaten alive!" Hermione said, slapping her leg.

"What?" said Ron, confuzzled. "No you're not! They're just mosquitoes!"

"Well, when my leg is gone...maybe you'll realize!" Hermione said angrily.

"Here," Ron said, pulling a bottle of _Tropical Fresh OFF®_ out of his robes.

Hermione quickly grabbed the spray and...sprayed it on. "This OFF® smells like bubble gum."

"Hmm...that's weird," Ron said. "Do you have any gum?"

"What?" Hermione said.

"Don't you speak English?" Ron stated. "Tienes chicle?"

"No tengo," Hermione replied. "Pero creo Harry tiene. Preguntes el."

"No quiero preguntar Harry," Ron replied. "Le gusto comer mis pantalones cuando hablo con el. Tengo tres ojos."

"Why are we speaking Spanish?" Hermione asked.

"No se," said Ron. "Should we continue?"

"No," Hermione answered, irritably. "I think this shit is attracting them more!"

"Oh, you're exaggerating," Ron said.

"Well, like I said, when my leg is gone, maybe then you'll realize."

"Realize what?" Ron questioned.

"That I'm being eaten alive!" Hermione screamed.

"Do you wanna go in?" Ron asked, sympathetically.

"Yes."

They got up and walked back to the castle. "Can we have sex now?" Ron asked.

"No," Hermione replied.

The Skinny Lady was making out with Sir Cadogan when they reached the portrait. Hermione gave the password. When they climbed through Ron said, "Can we have sex tomorrow?"

"No," Hermione replied. They went to their dorms. Ron closed his hangings and sighed. He pulled out his moving picture of Hermione and said to himself, "Damn! I gotta hit that!"

_Will Ron hit it? Is Nic still alive? Does it matter? How cute is the Chihuahua? Is Professor Dim legally insane? Find out the answers to these questions and more next time in _Harry Potter and the Unacceptable Title.


	5. Blow Job and Eddy

**Thanks to all of you who reviewed! I love you so much! I give you each a massage! **

**HBP- **Yes, I am crazy. I like you too. –Kiss-

**CSIGregSandersFan****- **I love randomness too! Yay toga! Oh, just wait until you see what happens with Ron and Hermione. Glad you like the fic!

**Senora- **Hey! You sound so fun! LOL. I'm glad you like my story. If you'd like to talk, I have YIM too. It's LeeLee11887. IM me!

**DemetersChild****- **Eh, Ron and Hermione are just saying weird stuff. Ron says he doesn't like to ask Harry stuff because he eats his pants. And stuff like that. I want to see _The Notebook _so bad! I've heard it's really good. _A Walk to Remember _is one of my favorite movies. It's so good but so sad. I cry and cry every time I see it. I highly recommend it. Glad you like the story!

**Jessibelle- **Yes, I told Amber that you're name isn't really Jessibelle. But she said that it's still pretty. I'm sorry your uncle smells like garlic.

**harrypotterismine-ilovehim****- **So far the fic is the exact same with just a few minor changes. It won't be drastically changed until chapter 10. But it'll be the same "plot" and everything.

**Chapter 5: Blow Job and Eddy**

Harry and Ron sat at the Gryffindor table. Ginny ran up and stared at Ron.

"Ron!" she yelled, breathlessly. "What's sixty-nine mean?"

"It's a number dumbass," Ron answered.

"I know that," Ginny said. "But what's it mean when you say it suggestively?"

"Holy cocoa beans!" Harry exclaimed.

"Uhh…I—I…" Ron stuttered. "Where'd you hear that?"

"Some seventh year boys asked me if I'd like a gang bang, and when I said 'No, thanks, I like my fringe long,' this one guy asked if I'd like to sixty-nine him. **_This shall now be called 'flippity-flop,' because I decided it's funnier._** I said I'd have to go ask my brother first. So…what's it mean?"

"It's…uh…Flippity-flop is…I don't think you want to know," Ron said, taking his paintball gun and shooting a second year Slytherin in the elbow.

"Yes, I do!" Ginny said.

Ron threw the paintball gun across the hall and whispered what flippity-flop is into Ginny's ear. **_If you don't know what it is, I'm not telling you. Go ask your mommy. No! Don't! Ask a friend!_** When he'd finished Ginny's eyes were as wide as a hippopotamus's ass.

"But that's gross!" Ginny said, shocked. **_Are you shocked that she'd be shocked? I'm not shocked. Though, that could be because I wrote it. Not very shocking any more._**

"And you better always think it's gross," Ron said. "Now, who were these seventh years? 'Cause I gotta go kick some ass!"

"No one!" Ginny said, running from the hall.

Hermione walked in and sat down.

"Holy laundry detergent!" Harry exclaimed. "Hermione! You're wearing shoes!"

"I know," Hermione smiled, pouring the jug of orange juice on the floor. "I remembered that I have more than _one_ pair of shoes. So, now I don't have to go barefoot any more."

"Damn!" said Ron, looking disappointed. Nic came in, took a sip of milk, and walked out of the hall in a hurry.

"Sip and leave," Hermione said shaking her head. "Just like a man."

"Come on," Ron said. "We're gonna be late for Group Therapy."

"Oh hell nah!" Hermione said. "Don't you tell me what to do!"

"Chill, woman!" Ron said.

Hermione kicked her leg up, aiming for his head, but Ron caught it. He tilted his head and looked up her skirt. "Damn!" he said. "Can we have sex now?"

"No!" she said, pulling her leg down. They walked into Group Therapy song…I mean room. **_Damn it! What the hell? Song?_** They had this class with the Slytherin.

When they were all there Professor Obfuscate walked in. "Okay, bitches and bastards. This is Group fuckin' Therapy. Today we're gonna fuckin' go around the damn room and every fuckin' person is gonna make a motha fuckin' confession. Alright? We'll start with you," he pointed to Harry.

"Alright," Harry said, inhaling a large amount of marijuana. "I hate when people call me a pothead, 'cause really, I'm not."

"Aight," Professor Obfuscate said. "Damn! Puff, puff, pass!" He took the blunt from Harry and kept it.

Ron was next. He sighed and said, "I really wanna get laid."

"Yeah," said Professor Obfuscate. "Don't we all? Okay, you," he pointed to Hermione.

"I hate when guys try to treat us like property and not like human beings and"

"Next!" said Professor Obfuscate.

"Pansy keeps trying to rape me!" Draco cried.

"I wanna have sex with Draco!" Pansy said, unbuttoning Draco's shirt.

Dean was next. "I hate being at home because my step-dad left and now my mom has to be my mom and my dad. And I hear her fighting with herself and it's so sad. I don't want her to divorce herself!"

And other less important characters said things. When the class was over Professor Obfuscate said, "Well, I think we've had a very productive fuckin' day. Now leave, God damn it."

They all filed out. "We've got break and then Sex Education," Hermione said.

"I gotta go water my plants," Harry said, rushing away.

"Um…Hermione?" Ron said.

"Yeah?"

"Can you be a friend?" Ron asked.

"What are you talking about?" Hermione asked coffuzzled. "I am your friend."

"No," Ron said. "Can you _be_ a friend?"

"Oh!" she said, nodding. She led him into an empty classroom. The door locked with a 'click.' "Pull it out," she instructed. When he did Hermione stared at him. "Ron, you're not hard."

"Huh?" he said. "Oh, let me see something." He took Hermione's hand and placed it on his penis, moving it up and down. "Ah! See! Yes I am!"

"Fine," she said.

"Oh! Wait!" he ran over to the door and turned the lock.

"You do realize you just unlocked that door?" Hermione said.

"Damn it!" He hurried back and re-locked it. When he came back to the middle of the room, Hermione got down on her knees in front of him.

"Blow job's faster," she explained. "Remember, I'm only doing this because I'm your friend. And I swear if you put your hand on the back of my head, I'll bite you…and it _will_ hurt."

Ron nodded. She put his penis in her mouth and sucked. Ron moaned and resisted the urge his hand was having to go to the back of her head. After ten minutes Ron came in her mouth. She spat the semen onto the floor, then she made it disappear with her wand.

"You don't swallow?" Ron asked.

"Sometimes."

They left the classroom and went to the one near the hospital wing, where Sex Education would be held.

Everyone entered. Dean and Seamus sat down beside Hermione. "Ha!" said Seamus, pointing at Dean. "I found you!"

"Dude!" Dean said. "I've been around you for two damn days and you're just now noticing?"

"Uhh…yeah," Seamus said. "Now I get to hide!" He slipped down and got under his chair.

"Holy oatmeal cookies!" Harry exclaimed, poking himself in the eye.

"Welcome to Sex Ed.," Madame Pomphrey shivering (who was their teacher) said. "From now on this class will be referred to as 'Eddy' because I don't like saying sex." She shivered. "Now," said Madame Pomphrey, when they'd all settled down. "At your age, you may be experiencing some feelings. Some call it 'horny,'" she flinched. "But since I don't like saying that word either, we'll call it 'fuzzy.'"

"Uh…Madame Pomphrey?" Ron said, raising his hand. "I don't know…but…um…I'm a sixteen year old guy. I'm like always…um…fuzzy."

Madame Pomphrey sighed. "I can't do this! Okay, I'm leaving. Take some condoms and birth control pills and get out!"

They all did as they were told. Little did they know, the birthrate at Hogwarts was going to increase a great deal.

PS: "Fringe" is British for "bangs" and "bangs" is American for "fringe."

**Okay people! I know you have it in you! My goal is to have at least 70 reviews by the time I post chapter 6! Even if I don't I'll still post the chapter but I just want to reach that many. Remember I'm still taking song requests. **

**I'm feeling lonely so if anyone would like to talk to me and be my friend IM me! My IMs are on my profile. Now, press that little button and review for me!**


	6. Sad Water and Florescent Peacock

**I encourage all of you to go to my xanga! You'll find the link on my profile. There's a funny gay penguin story there. And by gay I don't mean it sucks; I mean it's about homosexual penguins. **

**I'd like to tell all of you that I got a review by someone who calls themselves "clouded hopes" and their review said this: "you suck ass bitch." I need an ego boost so please leave me reviews telling me if you like my story. For those of you who are reviewing, I love you and you are greatly appreciated. **

**This chapter is dedicated to Tracey because she is awesome!**

**Like A Thousand Miles of Fire- **Thanks so much! I'm glad you like my fic! Your song requests have been noted.

**ZadieCrowe- **LOL. Glad you liked chapter five. HERE'S JOHNNY! (Chapter six's name is Johnny).

**Clouded hopes- **Why thank you!

**HBP- **Man, that review was long!

**Senora- **LOL. I know how it is to type things like that in weird places…I think I'm going to use "group therapy thong"! If you don't mind, of course. I love that holy cabbage thing! LOL! Believe me, if you knew me in person you'd probably think it was crazy how much I laugh. Ask my friends. It's an illness really. Gay penguins!

**Chapter 6: Sad Water and Florescent Peacock**

Hermione, Ron, and Harry walked into the Great Hall the next day. They sat down and were surprised to see that Lavender was crying hysterically all over a piece of parchment. Ron was shocked because she was soaking her toast and didn't even seem to care. Parvati was patting her on her back.

"What's wrong, Lavender?" Hermione said, trying to sound concerned, although she was really just being nosey.

"M-my boyfriend back home, just broke up w-with me!" she said, showing her the piece of parchment.

"Oh, calm down, Lavatory!" Parvati said. "Look at it this way…at least his handwriting has improved!"

Lavender burst into a fit of sobs. They all ate breakfast as Lavender gathered her tears in a bucket and tried to drown herself. Parvati was finally able to pull her friend's head up from the bucket of sad water. **_Ha ha…sad water? LOL._** She decided her friend needed to go to the hospital wing, so she took her. She did this mostly because it was an excuse to get out of class.

They had Potions first that day, so they made their way down to the dungeons. On the way they saw Mrs. Norris in the hall. She had a tiny guitar case open in front of her. It had a few sickles and knuts in it and she was singing…Mrs. Norris was singing the blues!

"Once when I was a kitten (dun dun dun dun), oh, I was a kitten (dun dun dun dun)…"

Hermione felt bad, and was astonished that Mrs. Norris could talk, let alone sing the blues. She threw in a knut. She thought she'd heard a small, "Fuck you!" But she decided it was her imagination. She was wrong.

They entered the Potions classroom and took their seats. They were a little early so they sat and talked quietly to themselves. Hermione pulled out her box of Oreos (original…chocolate outside, white cream inside…and Double-Stuffed!) and sat them on the table.

"Ooh!" she said suddenly. "I have got to pee!" She got up and turned to Ron (who was eyeing her cookies…the food not Hermione's "cookies"!). "And don't you dare touch my Oreos Ron!"

She turned and left for the bathroom. When she returned she saw that the box was empty.

"Ron!" she screamed. "I told you not to touch my cookies!"

"I didn't!" Ron protested.

"Did you or did you not open my box of cookies? And eat the entire thing?" Hermione asked, angrily.

"Yes, I did open the box," Ron stated. "But when I looked inside, it was empty. The cookies appeared to have eaten each other."

"Ronald Bilius Weasley!" Hermione said, outraged (you could tell because she was violently squeezing the waffle she was holding. Syrup was going everywhere). "You know damn well those cookies didn't eat each other! I am never speaking to you again as long as I live!"

Ron shrugged. Hermione sat down right as Snape walked in. Surprisingly, he was wearing a pink tutu and a tiara.

"Um…" Hermione said, raising her hand. "Professor, why are you wearing a tutu and a tiara?"

"That is none of your damn business, Granger!" Snape snapped **_ha ha_**. "Now, I want you to make the Muerte Potion…"

"Uhh…Professor Snape?" Hermione said, raising her hand again. "That potion is way too difficult for us."

"Shut it Miss Granger!" Snape snapped.

"But, sir," Hermione persisted. "It's dangerous."

"Granger!" Snape snapped.

"Sir," Hermione rambled on like a squirrel. "It's too complicated."

"Granger!" Snape snapped. "This is my class. You are not the student…I mean…you are not the teacher! I will teach what I see fit!"

"But, sir," Hermione went on. "It's illegal."

"That will not stop us Miss Port-a-Potty!" Snape snapped. "Now get to work!"

Hermione sighed and began chopping up her ingredients. She gasped when she noticed Ron was cutting up two die **_by this I mean dice not cutting himself to die._**.

"Holy cucumber salad!" Harry exclaimed. "Ron, what the friggle fraggle are you doing!"

"What?" Ron said, confuzzled. "It says to cut two snake eyes…and that's what I'm doing. What?"

"Ron," Hermione said, "it means…"

But she was interrupted by the sound of "The Dance of the Sugar Plum Pixies" began to play. Snape's head snapped up and he climbed to his feet. He started doing pirouettes around the classroom. He leapt over Ron's cauldron and twirled around to a stop.

Professor Dumbledore burst into the room and said, "So sorry, students. It seems Professor Snape has taken far too much Relaxer Serum and has basically lost his mind. Please go to your common rooms. Thank you."

"Holy plastic surgery!" Harry exclaimed. He jumped up and grabbed the watering can from the coffee pot in the middle of the room. Hermione looked at Ron. Ron winked. Hermione giggled.

Ron raised his eyebrow and said, "Does that turn you on?"

Hermione nodded.

"Indeed?" Ron said.

Hermione went spastic and was attacked by a fit of giggles and a bunch of feisty French poodles. She quickly got over them and noticed that Harry had left in such a hurry to be alone with the watering can (she assumed), that he'd left his bag. She picked it up.

"We better take this back to Harry," she said.

"First," Ron said, "we shall peek inside. Because I'm a nosey little fuck."

"Oh, Ron," Hermione said. "We can't!"

"Indeed?" Ron said, winking.

"Okay, we can."

Hermione opened up the bag and saw Harry's books. It seemed he'd ripped out a lot of the pages for some unknown reason. At the very bottom there was a piece of parchment shaped like a heart. Hermione picked it up, unfolded it, and read:

"_You remind me of a beautiful bird_

_Like a frolicking, florescent peacock_

_Grazing in a meadow_

_Because your exuberance reminds me of feathers_

_Flapping gleefully in the wind_

_Birds cannot wink_

_They can only flap_

…_in the meadow_

_Meadows are pretty_

_With all the grain_

_You know I eat birds. Love, Ginny._"

**I, of course, did not get my 70 reviews. Come on people! You can do it! I believe in you! Do you not see me begging here? PLEASE REVIEW! If you do I'll give you all some Skittles®!**

**If you can tell me what a quark is I'll give you 500 extra Skittles®! It is a real word!**


	7. Antidisestablishmentarianism and Dog Bis...

**YO YO HOME PEOPLE! LOL. Well, I'm glad a lot of you know what a quark is. I'm proud. I think a couple of you thought that _I _didn't know but I do. LOL. I wouldn't have asked if I didn't know. The reason I brought it up was because we're studying chemicals and atoms and stuff in physical science and we learned about quarks and I thought that that was an AWESOME name for something scientific because it sounds so…un-scientific. Well, all I was really looking for was the simple definition of (or something like) the broken up particles of a proton or the subunits of an atom. I have the suspicion that some of you looked up the definition which would really be cheating but since I didn't specify not to do that I really can't punish you. Everyone who reviewed gets 500 Skittles® but those of you who knew what a quark is get 1000. **

**Goodybad- **Well, I'm glad I make you laugh! That makes me all warm and fuzzy inside! LOL. Things will get more interesting. You just wait.

**Senora- **Ah, no a quark is not a mix of a quack and a bark. That's a good guess! Not even close to right but it's good! LOL. Thanks for permission to use your Group Therapy thong. I have NO idea why Hermione was holding a waffle after going to pee. I suppose peeing can make you crave waffles sometimes. Glad you're enjoying the fic.

**HBP- **LOL. I think you were one of the ones who thought I didn't know what a quark is. Yes I knew, and you were right. So I give you 500 extra green Skittles®. LOL. By the way it's spelled "proton." I'm not badgering. LOL. Well, I guess the one cookie left ate himself. I love you too.

**xXxRO- **LOL. You were correct. So here are your 500 extra Skittles®. –Hands them to you- I think you may have been one of the ones who thought I didn't know what a quark is, too. Yes I knew, and you were right. LOL. I do not, however want to know more because I hate science and I get enough of it in second period at school. But thank you for offering. Glad you like the story. Please continue reading and reviewing!

**ZadieCrowe- **You may have 500 Skittles® but it would not be fair to give you 1000. Glad you liked chapter 6. It's one of my favorites as well. I am glad you like my story and it makes you laugh but I do hope your chair gets a grip on itself. LOL.

**Jessibelle- **You deserve for a chapter to be dedicated to you. You're a great friend. DUDE! I can't believe you've seen "The Incredible Shrinking Woman"! I love that movie! LOL. I didn't remember that the dog was named Quark! Cool! You get 250 extra Skittles® because you did know that it was something to do with science and for your excellent use of context clues! Thank you dearly for yelling at clouded hopes for me. Also, thank you for the compliment. Love ya!

**DemetersChild****- **LOL. You're review for chapter 5 made me giggle. I love sad movies. But it's not hard to make me cry though. "Badder Santa" made me cry! So did "Office Space." Those movies aren't supposed to make you cry! "Troy" made me cry worse than "Titanic" did! LOL. Glad you like the story. I hope to see "The Notebook" soon. Oh, I did not know that a quark was also a type of cheese. So yes, you get 500 extra Skittles® because it was correct even though it wasn't the one I was looking for. –Eyes get big at the sight of the lolly pop…grabs it and runs away frolicking- Thank you dearly for adding to my reviews. It means a lot.

**Kathleen- **"Hay" seems to work it's way into a lot of words. It's just nosy like that. Nic is my friend, as you of course didn't know. But now you do because I told you on AIM. So now you know twice. You get 490 extra Skittles® because you were ever so close to the definition.

**Like A Thousand Miles Of Fire****- **Man that was an elaborate explanation of a quark! LOL. Well, since you gave both definitions (I was looking for the scientific one) you get 550 extra Skittles®. I have read and reviewed your story. Glad you like mine. Thank you for thanking me for thanking you. I feel it's important to thank my reviewers.

**Miss Hogwarts- **LOL. I can definitely tell you looked it up, but you get your 500 extra Skittles® nevertheless. Do you like my story as well as Skittles®? You didn't say anything about it.

**This chapter is dedicated to the gay penguins of the world. I commend them for resisting the penguin seductresses. Although it wasn't too hard for them to resist because they are gay after all. **

**Chapter 7: Antidisestablishmentarianism and Dog Biscuits**

"'Round and 'round the Whomping Willow, the monkey chases the weasel. The monkey thought it was all in fun, but squish goes the weasel!" Ron sang happily.

"Ron!" Hermione snapped. "Ron, focus! This is serious, Ron!"

"What's wrong, Hermione?" Ron asked. "Is it the weasel?"

"No, it's not the weasel, Ron," Hermione sighed. "Do you not understand what this poem means?"

"Umm…" Ron thought. "Well, Hermione, it's about a peacock. So, this means that Ginny knows an exuberant, florescent peacock personally."

Hermione slapped Ron across the face. "No, Ron. It's a metaphor. She's talking about Harry in this poem."

"Harry's a peacock, Hermione?" Ron exclaimed.

"No, dumbass! Ginny's in love with Harry!"

"Oh my God!" Ron gasped. **_Gasp!_** "No way. But they may be fucking! I'll kill him!"

"No, I bet you a whole watermelon they are just in love," Hermione said.

"It's a deal." They shook hands.

"Now we've got to confront them about this," Hermione said. "Do you realize how hard that is going to be?"

"As hard as fitting 'antidisestablishmentarianism' on a tiny piece of parchment?" Ron offered.

"Exactly, and as we all know it is extremely hard to fit 'antidisestablishmentarianism' on anything, let alone a tiny piece of parchment…I love sticky notes," Hermione answered.

They walked out of the classroom and into the hall. Ron noticed that there was a Playwizard magazine **_yes, they have those…in my version of the HP world, anyway_** lying on the ground. He quickly picked it up and began looking at the provocatively naked witches. **_Of course they're provocative! They're naked!_** "Oh, dear!" He cried after only one minute.

"What?" Hermione asked.

"Um…Hermione?"

"Yes?"

"Can you be a friend?"

"What!" Hermione cried, outraged. "Again? Ron!"

"I know, I'm sorry!" Ron cried. "Please?"

"Oh, alright," Hermione grunted. "But you realize while we're doing this your best friend may be fucking your little sister, right?"

Ron's erection was suddenly gone. "This can wait…"

Ron was in a furious state by the time they found Seamus and Dean talking in the hallway. Ron stomped up to them with Hermione trailing behind.

"…so anyway, the mongoose got out and they found out the turtle _did_ have ADHD," Seamus said.

"Have you fuckin' seen The-Boy-Who-Ain't-Gonna-Live-'Cause-He-Fucked-My-Innocent-Little-Sister?" Ron yelled.

"I think he's in the Common Room," Dean said. "But if Harry's fucked her I don't think that she's too innocent. It's not fair. She never let me fuck her. Damn whore."

Thankfully, Ron didn't hear him because he'd run into the wall. He got up and ran into…another wall. Then Hermione helped him toward the Gryffindor Common Room.

He trudged through the spilled cake batter **_chocolate, of course. Wait, no…vanilla. We cannot have any chocolate of any type wasted_** in the middle of the floor and found Harry prodding the squirrel that was nibbling on the log in the fireplace.

"What the hell is this?" Ron yelled, brandishing Ginny's poem in front of Harry's nose, giving him several paper cuts.

Harry graped…I mean gaped. "Holy lamp shade! Where did you get that?"

"Your bag!" Ron answered. "Now, why are you fucking my sister?"

"I'm not," Harry said. "I've been trying, but she keeps saying that her mum told her if she had sex before she was married that a thousand storks would come to attack her."

"Now, Ron," Hermione said. "Calm down…Like I said, I think that they are just seeing each other."

Ron graped…I mean gaped at her. "Tis not good, my dear wallaby."

"Ron," Hermione said, slapping him with her flip flop. "Let them be happy."

"But the watermelon…" Ron began.

"Ronald," Hermione insisted. "Let-them-be-happy."

"Oh, alright," Ron sulked. "But I'm forgetting about the watermelon."

"Fine," Hermione said.

"Fine," Ron said.

"Fine," Hermione said.

"Bless you," Ron said.

"I didn't sneeze," Hermione said. Then she sneezed.

"Can we have sex now?" Ron asked.

"No," Hermione answered. "But, I will give you a hand job. 'Cause I'm bored."

"Okay," Ron said happy as a clam. **_How can you know when the clams are happy?_**

And so, Ron received his second hand job. It was quite enjoyable. Hermione was getting to be as good as a Hufflepuff.

Then…it was November. November 8th to be exact. 'Cause it can be. Ginny and Harry had began to date. It went smoothly at first. Ginny continued to write her poetry to Harry. One morning at breakfast, they were eating breakfast (because they were at breakfast so they obviously weren't eating dinner or lunch, therefore they had to be eating breakfast unless they weren't eating at all, but they were) when Hedwig, Hoo, and Pig flew down to their owners.

Hedwig and Pig handed their letters over gracefully but for some reason Hoo had his letter clamped tightly in his braces. **_He had braces because his beak was crooked._** She finally got the letter opened and gasped. **_Gasp!_**

"Holy nocturnal ferrets!" Harry exclaimed.

"Oh, dear pig snouts!" Ron muttered.

"What's wrong?" Ginny asked, confuzzled.

"My mother choked on a dill pickle and got put into the hospital!" Hermione cried.

"Three-hundred dolphins tipped over a submarine full of girl scouts!" Ron cried.

"This letter is blank!" Harry cried.

"Umm…ok," Ginny replied. "Oh! I have another poem!"

Ginny climbed on top of the Gryffindor table and cleared her throat.

"_My friend_

_You are like a tiny frog_

_Angelic frog_

_Hopping across the lily pads of life _

_Consuming the flies of joy_

_You ribbit and croak_

_Not die…croak_

_One day you will_

_Die, I mean_

_And the small frog spawn _

_Will weep in depression_

_For the car will have finally hit you_

_Or you fell off the log_

_Stupid alligators_

_Damn you_

_Poor tadpoles_

_Thank you._"

Ginny took a bow and jumped off the table. "Ginny," Hermione beamed. "I think you have a real talent. Your poems are so deep and meaningful."

"Thank you," Ginny said. "It is because I am in love…"

_One Week Later_

"Ginny," Harry yelled, walking down the stairs of the boys' dormitory. "I do not want to discuss it at the present time. Good day to you."

"But Harry!" Ginny cried. "I don't know what I did!"

"Holy paprika!" Harry exclaimed. "How dare you criticize my dog biscuits!"

"Harry!" Ginny said. "You don't have a dog!"

"It's a metaphor, Ginny!" Harry said, tears filling his eyes. "It-is-a-metaphor."

Ginny turned bright red and stomped away.

"And I'll need my La Cucuracha tape back!" Harry yelled after her.

Suddenly, Professor McGonagall's voice boomed over them all.

"All female students are to report to the Great Hall, immediately. I repeat, all female students are to report to the Great Hall, immediately!"

_Will there be a Marshmellow Peep® in the cupboard? Can you feel the love tonight? Is Roy really the man? Will the mailman remember to pick up the videos? Did the video really kill the radio star? Find out next on _Harry Potter and the Half Blood…I mean…Unacceptable Title.

**Please review. I have a new system, if you review I'm now giving you _Whose Line is it Anyway_ points. I however, will keep score and whoever has the most points will win a prize at the end of the fic. Points will be distributed by content of the review and length. I love me some long reviews! LOL. So review today not tomorrow! **

**Also, if you leave a comment or something on my Xanga I'll give you 200 bonus points!**


	8. Frosty Beverage and Pregnancy

**I have some bad news. I dropped my last red Skittle®.**

**Anyway, you're all doing very well with points.Thanks so much for reviewing! In the lead is Jessibelle with 1,130 points. **

**HBP- **It's "more strange" because "stranger" is meant as a person you don't know. LOL. Yeah, I knew what a quark is. I hate science so no I don't enjoy and it's not fun. Well, in America we don't exactly ask if we don't know either. But this was sort of like a school thing. The teachers know the answers but they still ask you. You have 400 points so far.

**Senora- **Umm…I said wallaby because it was the first thing that popped into my mind. Tis a random story and sticky notes doesn't really fit in at all. LOL. Cockroaches? That made me giggle! You shall find out why the shemales had to go to the Great Hall. Yes, I suppose my mind is in the gutter. LOL. I enjoyed your review very much. You have 450 points so far.

**Jessibelle-** Please give it up with the spelling corrections. I know how to spell. People make typos. Yes, you get a few extra points for organization. Glad you continue to like it! You have 1,130 points so far.

**crookshanks7- **OMG! Your brother seriously has a gay pet penguin? That's awesome! You have 260 points so far.

**ShortLeggedGiraffe- **I like your name! It's soooo cute! Let me know when you've got some stories up. I'll read and review them. You have 540 points so far.

**Goodybad- **Glad you liked the chapter. Well, chapter 8 was already written. But I love when my readers give me ideas, so please keep them coming. I may be able to use one of them eventually. You have 500 points so far.

**N.C. PsyChick- **LOL. Your review made me giggle. Glad you like! I shall remember that lawn gnomes do not make good sandwiches always and forever. Now, by that statement did you mean that they weren't good IN sandwiches or they weren't good sandwich makers? You have 390 points so far.

**harrypotterismine-ilovehim****- **Well, now you know what a Xanga is. Glad you like the story. Everyone seems to want to win. You have 300 points so far.

**Miss Hogwarts- **Glad you like the story…and Skittles®. I suppose Skittles® could be funny. You have 350 points so far.

**Chapter 8: Frosty Beverage and Pregnancy**

Hermione nervously walked, along with all the other girls to the Great Hall. Suddenly, she found that Ron and Harry were beside her.

"Holy spontaneous combustion!" Harry exclaimed. "We're coming with you."

"Yeah," Ron said, nodding vigorously. "We're gonna protect you. Even if all we can do is stand back and say, 'She didn't do it.' We will say it with pride. Can I have this lolly pop?"

Before Hermione could answer, Ron stuck it in his mouth.

"Ron!" Hermione shouted. "That is my tiny purse mirror!"

"Oh," Ron sighed, still sucking on the mirror. "I thought it sounded…I mean, tasted funny." **_Damn it!_**

When they reached the door of the Great Hall, they found Dean and Seamus talking.

"…and then my head was really stuck, because the VCR caught on fire," Dean said.

"What are you guys doing here?" Ron asked, dropping the mirror the ash tray beside the door.

"Well," Seamus said. "We figured there is going to be a room full of girls exiting this room full of girls. And at least two of them will be willing to have sex with us."

"Hermione," Ron said looking at her as though he'd never seen her before in his entire life. "Can we have sex, now?" I guess that's not so good if he's asking someone he's looking at as though he's never seen them before in his entire life if they'd have sex with him.

"No," Hermione said promptly. She took a deep breath and entered the Great Hall. Harry and Ron followed her.

There were all the female teachers sitting in chairs at the front of the room. They all had clipboards and stern looks on their faces. All the female students looked anxiously and expectantly at McGonagall. She'd stood up and called for silence.

"Girls!" she called clapping her hands. "The sexual activity of Hogwarts has increased immensely. And it is needed that we test each of you for pregnancy."

One by one, they were called in alphabetical order by a different teacher. Many girls left crying and some left looking as though they had just seen an egg plant wearing a chef's hat.

Hermione was ringing her hands. She was extremely antsy (due to the fact that about forty black ants had just climbed into her bra). It also didn't help that Neville streaked past her streaking…wearing no clothes and naked screaming, "Free the yaks! Free the yaks!"

"Holy rutabaga!" Harry exclaimed.

Not even two minutes later, Colin Creevey came up to them shaking like that toy that had batteries and it would shake like mad. **_Does anyone know what it was called? Because I can't remember…tell me if you do! _**He shook Hermione as he shook and said, "It appears that a vortex of pure evil is radiating from the air vents! Hurry! Get all the ghosts, and put them in the mason jars!"

Hermione burst into tears. Ron patted Hermione on the back. "There, there. Come on, Patsy. It's okay."

Finally, Hermione Jane Granger was called. And Hermione Jane Granger walked up to Professor William Barbara Dim. Harry James Potter and Ron Bilius Weasley followed.

"Umm…" Hermione Jane Granger said. "Sir, how come the other girls get a female teacher?"

"Because," Professor William Barbara Dim said. "Professor Vector suddenly came down with the Hungarian Snot Flu. And I had to take her place. Now, don't be nervous, I'm just going to ask you a few questions."

"Alright," Hermione nodded.**_ I'm tired of typing out the full name. Screw it_**. She glanced at Ron and Harry. Ron shrugged and Harry licked the paper of the joint he was rolling.

"Okay," Dim said, flipping his gorgeous black hair out of his beautiful, dazzling, brown eyes. "Are you now, or have you ever been a shell fish?"

"No," Hermione answered truthfully. She in fact, had never been a shell fish. She was allergic.

"Oh!" said Dim, making a small mark on his clipboard. "Can I get you a frosty beverage?"

"No," Hermione said quickly. She in fact, had never wanted a frosty beverage. She was allergic.

Dim made another small mark on his clipboard and said, "What is the quadrant of the third vector of an obtuse triangle?"

"Ummm…" Hermione said. "Three?" She in fact, had never learned how to find the quadrant of the third vector of an obtuse triangle. She was allergic.

"I'm sorry," Dim said, making squiggly marks on his clipboard. "Pork. Pork is the correct answer. Have you ever dated a hair dryer _or_ a desperate flamingo?"

"No," Hermione answered. She in fact had not dated a hair dryer _or_ a desperate flamingo. She was allergic to flamingos and hair dryers are what gave her hair its 80s era afro look. **_Quite like mine. I have poofy brown hair (sometimes, depending on whether I straighten it or not) and a thing for a redhead. Maybe I'm Hermione…Nah, I'm not that smart._**

"Okay," said Dim. "One last question…Are you pregnant?"

"No," Hermione answered. She in fact was…umm…not pregnant. But she wasn't allergic.

"Okie dokey artichokey!" Dim said. "I have come to the conclusion that you are _not_ pregnant. You may go."

Hermione sighed and got up. She turned to Harry and Ron. She nodded and said, "We may go."

So, they left.

When they entered the hall they saw Dean and Seamus. They looked very glum.

"Not one girl!" Seamus said.

But then, two fifth year Ravenclaw girls exited the Great Hall, crying like a sheep that have been sheered and their fur made into sweaters while the poor sheep must go bald until the fur grows back and the people flaunt their fur as though it means nothing! I should destroy those sweaters! Dean and Seamus ran after the girls. Seamus yelling, "Low self-esteem!"

Hermione realized what the last few lines the author wrote and began to sing:

"If you want to destroy my sweater!" she sang.

"Hold this thread as I walk away!" Ron sang.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" Harry said, through puffs.

"Watch me unravel!" Hermione sang.

"I'll soon be naked!" Neville sang running past them…naked.

Ginny came up and graped…I mean gaped. "Was Neville naked?"

"Yes," Hermione squirmed.

Suddenly, Ginny burst into tears.

"Holy pickle juice burger!" Harry exclaimed. "What's suddenly the matter?" **_The pickle juice burger is courtesy of Tori. –Waves at Tori- HI TORI!_**

"I'm pregnant!" Ginny screamed.

"Holy light bulbs!" Harry exclaimed. "What?"

"I can't believe you got me pregnant!" Ginny yelled.

"Holy bacon strips!" Harry exclaimed. "I know it's my baby! But you know it's your fault!"

"Are you saying it's my fault?" Ginny gasped. **_Gasp!_**

"Yes, I am," Harry said. **_Gasp!_** "You know, if you'd just sucked my dick in the first place, like I wanted, this wouldn't have happened!"

"Oh my God!" Ginny said, taking off her brightly colored flip flop and throwing it at him.

"I blame you," Harry said.

"Are you blaming me!" Ginny asked.

"Yes."

Ginny turned and stomped off, crying as if she were a sheep who had been sheered…we've been through this. A very cute boy holding a lizard came up to Harry, Ron, and Hermione. He sat down on the couch in the middle of the Entrance Hall. He looked over at Hermione.

"My name is Jonas," he said. "Come sit next to me." He pulled a tea pot from under the couch. "And pour yourself some tea."

Ron suddenly snapped his neck toward Harry. "Hey!" He said. "You got my sister pregnant!"

"Oh," said Harry. "Look! It's your parole officer!"

Ron (not realizing he didn't have a parole officer) turned. Harry ran for it. He would have made it too, but he tripped over Neville's discarded robes.

Ron realized he'd been tricked and Harry realized Ron realized he'd been tricked and said, "Holy fan blades!"

Ron ran toward Harry stretching his arms, preparing to choke him like a chicken. But then, a bag of bricks fell on Ron. So Harry ran up the stairs to the Gryffindor Common Room. Hermione stood graping…I mean gaping at Jonas.

**Please review! You know all about the points so review now! **

**If you like this story you may like my fic making fun of fanfics themselves. It's called "All My fanfics." You'll find it in my profile of course. Please read and review!**


	9. Nicole and Faking It

**Thanks so much to my lovely reviewers. I love you much. In the lead (still) is Jessibelle with 1,860 points. **

**BraveheartJr- **LOL. Well, I'm glad you like my fic and you think it's funny. I've got a strange mind, yes. You have 310 points so far.

**Angryballerina- **Aw! Thank you so much. It means a lot to me that you think I have a gift. You have 485 points so far.

**CSIGregSandersFan****- **Thank you. I'm glad you like it. You have 250 points.

**ZadieCrowe- **Hola chica! Yah, that was the toy I was talking about. Kurt knows everything? Hmm…LOL. You're getting married? What? How old are you again. Well, congratulations. I'm glad your net is working now. You have 205 points so far.

**Senora- **I wish you could've thought of something to say. Oh well…You have 680 points so far.

**Sallie- **You probably aren't reading this but you have 110 points. First of all…duh. I said at the beginning of the fic that it's random and pointless and weird and unreal. Secondly, if you hated it so much why did you bother to read the whole thing?

**harrypotterismine-ilovehim****- **I think that it was called the Jitter Bug or something like that. I can't remember. Remind me and I'll link you to my xanga later. Glad you liked. You have 625 points so far.

**Elizabeth the 4rth- **Glad you liked it. I hope you will read and review my other stories. Unless you already have. You have 320 points.

**Like A Thousand Miles Of Fire****- **Glad you like you this fic and "All My Fanfics." I am honorable? Well, thank you. LOL. You have 370 points so far.

**N.C. PsyChick- **Your request has been granted. I better feel the love. LOL. Ah, yes I would suppose lawn gnomes would make a mess when making sandwiches because they are so small. May I ask what the N.C. is for in your name? Does it have anything to do with North Carolina? Because that is where I live and I'm curious. Well, you have 930 points.

**GinnyDragon54- **LOL. Glad you thought it was funny. You have 230 points.

**Certified-weirdo- **LOL. Your first review made me confuzzled but it also made me giggle. Where do you live? Trimspa® is a weight-loss pill. At least I think it's a pill. I haven't seen the commercial in a while. But it is something to do with weight-loss. You have 330 points.

**ShortLeggedGiraffe****- **I have read and reviewed your story. Glad you like. You have 970 points.

**Jessibelle- **Yes, you are in the lead. LOL. It was hard to get over the loss of my Skittle® but I'm okay now. To get ® all you do is put an R in parenthesis. If you make a few typos it will not make people think you're stupid. Everyone makes typos. Believe me I'm big on spelling too. But it's not that serious, for seriously. Why are you afraid of the number four? Does it have something to do with the Dursley's address? LOL. Yes! Bumble Ball! They also had something called a Jitter Bug though. You did tell me that the first time around. And I contemplated taking it out of the chapter but then decided to leave it in but I don't remember why. You now have 1,860 points. You are an excellent reviewer.

**Misshogwarts- **I'm so glad you like! But please breathe! LOL. I "grade" reviews based on length and content. So far you have 660 points.

**Goodybad- **Glad you like. LOL. Tis okay to not care about the points. But just so you know you have 990 points. Glad I make you laugh.

**Chapter 9: Nicole and Faking It**

Hermione walked over and sat next to Jonas. She poured herself some tea.

"Why are you here?" she asked, throwing the crumpets into the hamper in the middle of the doorway.

"I am dropping off my sister," Jonas said. "Nicole. She's going to be the new Sex Ed. teacher."

"Oh," said Hermione. She got up and went to the girls' dormitory. There, she found Ginny crying as though she was a sheep who'd been sheered of its fur and so on and so forth. "Oh, now Ginny!" Hermione fumbled. "It'll be okay!"

"No it will not!" Ginny sobbed.

"Hold on!" Hermione shouted. "You had to have had sex, hadn't you!" **_That's a lot of 'had's. And 'have' is a conjugation of 'had.' Wait, 'had' is a conjugation of 'have.' Woo…_**

"Are you asking if I had sex?" Ginny quivered.

"Yes," Hermione answered.

"Yes, I did," Ginny exulted.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Hermione shrieked, shaking like a cow that has been diagnosed with mad cow disease, whilst on crack.

"I'm sorry," Ginny said. "Would you like me to tell you now?"

"Yes'm" Hermione answered, climbing the ladder up to Ginny's bed. It wasn't a bunk bed. It was just very high up. Ginny was claustrophobic, but obviously not afraid of heights. If she was afraid of heights she did a very stupid thing by making her bed so high off the ground. "You may begin."

"Well," Ginny began, tossing her sock over her shoulder. "Me and Harry were in the charms classroom. He was teaching me how to wear my bra properly. Because, apparently, I've been doing it wrong for years. But, anyway…then he kissed me. And at first, I didn't know what to do. But then I put my tongue in his mouth. Well, after that we took off our clothes and he fucked me. But he said I wouldn't get pregnant if we did it standing up. But he was wrong. He-was-_wrong_!"

"Yes, Ginny," Hermione said, comforting her friend. "He was wrong. Look at this." Hermione pulled a book out of her bag. It was a very thick book. "My mother gave it to me when I turned sixteen."

She opened the book and scanned through the pages. Finally she found what she was looking for.

"Finally," she said. "I found what I was looking for. It says here:

'It doesn't matter what position you are in when you have sex, you _will_ get pregnant. It doesn't matter if you are in missionary position **_does anyone understand that? Why is it called 'missionary'? I am sure that missionaries would not appreciate that very much, having a sexual position named after them. I guess it's not important…although, one old reviewer told me that the reason they called it that was because if they were going to have sex, then that was the only holy way to do it_**, doggy style position **_now that one makes sense_**, standing up, sitting down, in water, in the backseat with the windows up, in a candy store, in the back row at the movies, or any other way you can twist, turn, bend or move, you _will_ still get pregnant. You_ will_ get pregnant and then horrible things _will_ happen to you. Your father _will _kill you. You _will_ make your mother cry. Do you want that? Do you? Huh?'

"I think that's enough," Hermione said, snapping the book shut. A floral printed owl flew into the girls' dormitory. "Hello, Hoo," Hermione smiled.

Hoo handed her the letter…well, not exactly because Hoo didn't have any hands. You can't hand someone something if you have no hands. That completely contradicts the action. Anyway…then he flew out of the window into the sunset.

Hermione read the letter. It said:

"You are to report to Mr. Filch's office this instant or he shall have the ketchup taken from the Gryffindor table."

Hermione sighed and got up. "I'll be back Ginny. You stay here and cry like a sheep that has been sheered of its fur over the horrible disgrace you _will_ have brought upon your family."

When Hermione reached Mr. Filch's office she was surprised to find Crookshanks sitting next to Mrs. Norris on the moth-eaten chair, which was eaten by moths. Filch was sitting at his desk and glared at her.

"Do you know what has happened?" he asked her.

"Oh, no," she said. His tone worried her. "The crayons? Have the crayons been stolen by that unstable porcupine, again? Damn that porcupine! Damn all the porcupines!"

"No, afro-head!" Filch yelled. "Your stupid feline got my precious pregnant!"

"That's ridiculous, sir," Hermione said. "Crookshanks cannot get a ring pregnant."

"I'm talking about Mrs. Norris!" he spat.

Hermione wiped the spittle out of her eyes and said, "That is impossible. Crookshanks is a flaming homosexual." **_I don't mean to offend anyone!_**

"Well, apparently he a sizzling bisexual because I found these two screwing in the broom closet!" he spat. "I got Professor Dim to give Mrs. Norris a test and she's pregnant."

"Well…what do you want me to do about it?" Hermione asked, again rubbing her eyes to get rid of the saliva.

"I want to know there will be child support!" Filch shouted.

"Fine!" Hermione shouted back.

Suddenly, the door burst open and Ron entered, panting. "The-lizards-are-attacking!"

Hermione heard Harry's voice running down the hall (along with the rest of him), "Holy chocolate moose!"

Dumbledore's voice boomed over them. "EVERYONE GATHER ALL THE PAPRIKA YOU CAN. IT IS THE ONLY WAY WE CAN DEFEAT THE LIZARDS!"

Hermione dashed to Filch's desk and picked up the tiny paprika shaker. She ran into the hall with Ron and saw a hundred lizards scurrying everywhere. People were gushing into the hall with their own paprika and began throwing it on the lizards. Hermione did the same.

Finally, the lizards became lethargic. Everyone sighed. Dumbledore's voice boomed over them again. "THE LIZARDS HAVE BEEN DEFEATED! ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE A PET LIZARD MAY HAVE ONE!"

Hermione picked up the small lizard that was nearest to her. She petted him and smiled. "I shall call you Russell," she said.

The next day at breakfast, Hermione sat at the table petting Russell. Russell was a good lizard. He was very nice.

"I wonder what would happen to my lizard if I flexed it," Hermione said.

"Holy inflatable condoms!" Harry exclaimed.

Ginny walked up to the table and didn't say a word. She sat down and didn't look at Harry. She also didn't take the knife and spread butter on her toast. And she most certainly didn't eat it.

"Ginny," Harry said. "I'm sorry."

Ginny smiled. "I forgive you."

"But it was still your fault," Harry said.

Ginny turned red. "Well, you know what? Mr. I-Just-Want-Mine-The-Girl-Don't-Mean-Nothing! I faked it. That's right. I didn't even have an orgasm. I faked it!"

"Holy JC Penny catalogs!" Harry exclaimed. "How dare you!"

Ginny looked at him and said, "I never want to see you again!" She turned and stomped off.

"Holy staple gun!" Harry exclaimed. **_The following line is to be read/said in the slow southern drawl of Forest Gump. –Guhuh!- n.n_** "But I love you, Gin-ny!"

Ginny didn't turn around.

Suddenly, it got extremely hot. Hermione's afro grew three sizes larger than normal. Russell the lizard got frightened climbed up in it.

"It's time for Sex Education," Hermione said. "We have another teacher."

They walked into the classroom and found Professor Nicole. They took their seats and stared at her. She blinked. They blinked. She blinked again. They blinked again.

Then she spoke, "Hello. This is Sex Ed. and I have asked Professor Deep…I mean, Dim, ahem, to help me with some demonstrations." Professor Dim entered. "Now, William, lay on the table."

Dim obliged.

Professor Nicole smiled and said, "Now, the proper way to put on a condom is…"

Suddenly, Professor McGonagall burst into the room. "I am terribly sorry! But this cannot be allowed! Nicole and William! You are fired! Students! Go to your Common Rooms!"

Dim and Nicole left the room. Apparently they were going to the hotel in Hogsmeade.

When Harry returned to the Common Room he pouted in the squishy chair. He began to quickly sink into the squishiness. Suddenly, Ginny bounded into the room and shouted, "Harry! I'll save you!"

She jerked Harry up from the squishiness and hugged him. "I love you!" she said.

"Holy chicken cacciatore!" Harry exclaimed. "You saved my life! I love you too."

And all was well.

_Will Ginny and Harry be able to live without fighting? Will Ron and Hermione ever have sex? Is Russell actually a spy from the Dominican Republic? Find out the answers to these questions and more next time in _Harry Potter and the Unacceptable Title.

**A reviewer suggested I give points for IMing me. So I will. If you IM me from this day forward you shall get 200 extra points. My SNs are in my profile.**


	10. Pillow and Trial

**Thanks so much to my wonderful reviewers. You don't know how much you mean to me. Sadly, I got a complaint about the points so they will no longer be given out. I'll go back to giving you theoretical items. The winner is Jessibelle. I haven't decided what her prize is yet but she will receive something. Please keep reviewing though! **

**Fiyren-Valkyrie****- **Hello! I'm glad you find my story funny. Yes it is very sexual. I'm glad you and your friends have a Holy List. Tis an awesome thing. Please continue to enjoy the story.

**CSIGregSandersFan****- **Yes, randomness is awesome.

**Kimi504- **Hi! I'm so glad you like it! It makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside when I get reviews like the one you gave me. Please keep laughing and keep reviewing.

**DemetersChild- **LOL! I loved your review for chapter nine. It made me giggle. It reminded me of me. _Badder Santa _made me cry because at the end when he's trying to get the teddy bear to the kid and they make it seem like he's dead it makes me sad and I was crying. LOL. I know it's weird but I'm sensitive like that. _Office Space _made me cry too.

**ZadieCrowe- **Hey! Glad you liked it. –Gives you Skittles®- Hope I talk to you later!

**HBP- **Glad you liked it. I wish you would get online! I miss you.

**Jessibelle- **LOL. Well, you win. That is all.

**ShortLeggedGiraffe- **Thank you, I'm glad you like it.

**Angryballerina- **I'm glad you think it's funny but please don't wet yourself at your desk! LOL.

**Senora- **LOL. I'm glad you found your hair. Glad you liked that chapter. I hope all is well with Lolly and Hummy.

**harrypotterismine-ilovehim****- **Well, Dim is sexy because he used to be Johnny Depp so they couldn't have been too ugly of a couple. LOL. Family Dollar is a dollar store near my house. LOL. Your review was funny.

**Like A Thousand Miles Of Fire****- **-Rocks back and forth-

**mkanda****- **Your review was so sweet! It made me smile so big! I'm glad you and your friends like my story. And the fact that I'm your favorite author makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. LOL.

**Gonzy Rocks Blisters****- **I'm sorry? Were you confuzzled about something? Your reviews confuzzled me slightly. LOL.

**Tiffany Weasley****- **Well, I have updated so I can keep you alive.

**Chapter 10: Pillow and Trial**

The next morning Ginny, Hermione, Ron, Jim, and Oscar sat in the Common Room. Ginny was coloring in a coloring book, which is a book used for coloring. Hermione was reading the Encyclopedia Britannica and Ron was sitting on the floor trying to see up her skirt. Jim was playing chess against himself (and loosing very badly). Oscar was pretending to be invisible and doing a very good job.

Suddenly, Harry dashed down the boys' staircase with a terrified look on his face. Before anyone could say anything he tripped over the potpourri garden in the middle of the room. He stood up frantically and exclaimed, "Holy chocolate covered pretzels!"

"What's wrong Harry?" they all chorused (except for Oscar, who was still pretending to be invisible).

"I had a dream!" Harry yelped.

"Ooh! Ooh! I know this one!" Jim yelled. "You had a dream that one day your children will be judged not by the color of their skin, but the content of their character!"

"Do I look like an American black rights activist to you?" Harry asked chucking a small tortilla chip at Jim. "No, I had a dream that I was eating this giant marsh mellow. It was good too. But anyway, I was eating it, and then when I woke up my pillow was gone!"

"Wow," Ginny said. "It'll be okay honey."

"No, no it won't," Harry insisted. He plopped down on the couch and pouted. "I have gotta lay off the weed! I can't believe I ate my pillow."

"No Harry," Hermione said calmly. "I don't think you did. I think perhaps someone _stole_ your pillow."

"Holy rabid lotus flowers!" Harry exclaimed. "Who!"

"I don't know," Hermione replied in deep thought. "But I think we should take it to trial!"

They all stomped out of the room to Dumbledore's office. When they reached the gargoyle wearing a pair of underwear on his head Hermione said, "Red Skittles®." The slightly intoxicated stone creature wobbled aside and they walked in.

"Professor," Ginny said. "Can we talk to you?"

"Why of course," Dumbledore said. "But first, I'd like you to meet Fabio."

A rock hard man **_you know what I mean!_** climbed through the window. He had flowing blonde hair and a sculptured body like a Greek statue. He smiled and said, "I can't believe it's not butter," in a sexy sexy voice.

"Hiiii," Ginny and Hermione and, for some reason Oscar, swooned. All the other boys rolled their eyes.

"I can't believe it's not butter," he said kissing Ginny's and Hermione's hands. He then threw Oscar out the window.

"You're pretty," Hermione grinned.

"I can't believe it's not butter," he replied.

"Oh, he's such a poet!" Ginny swooned. "I write poetry. Would you like to hear one?"

"I can't believe it's not butter," Fabio said, sitting down.

"I see the beached whale

I feel for him

Roasting in the sun

Like a big fish frying on a pan

The sand is like salt

I weep for him

Sprinkling sand on the fish of the soul

Tuna is smelly

Thank you."

"I can't believe it's not butter," Fabio said. He then jumped out the window, trying to catch up to Oscar.

Ginny and Hermione snapped out of their trances and Hermione said, "Professor, someone has stolen Harry's pillow and we'd like an investigation and trial because he's freaking out."

Harry was trembling in the corner like a Chihuahua on crack. Hermione glanced at him in pity.

"Okay," Dumbledore said throwing a phone book onto the half pipe in the middle of the room. "I'll prepare the trial. Be in the Great Hall at two."

They left the office and then returned to the Common Room.

Whilst waiting in the Common Room, commonly and roomly, Harry whimpered in the corner. He stayed in the same position for so long that pelicans were beginning to gather. Ron and Hermione quietly groped on the couch as Ginny wrote vigorously on a sheet of paper. She was writing a new poem.

Jim sighed. "I'm bored," he said. "I miss America. I miss the smog and the stupid politicians and the carnival. I'm going home." He jumped out the window.

Finally, when two o' clock arrived, Hermione pried Ron's hands off her with a spatula and said, "Time to go to the trial."

They traveled to the Great Hall to find it full of students from one to ninety-two. Well, there were no students older than eighteen or nineteen and younger than eleven there but you know what I mean. Well, maybe you don't because that didn't exactly make sense for me to say that there were students from one to ninety-two there if there wasn't. But that's completely off topic so now back to the story.

Harry sat down in the front of the courtroom/Great Hall and Hermione, Ron, and Ginny sat around him. Dumbledore was sitting at the very front wearing a white wig and holding a gavel. Harry trembled as Ginny patted him on the back.

All of the sudden the doors burst open and a giant weasel rode in on a tri-ped unicycle. The weasel skidded to a halt in front of Dumbledore and took off its head. It turned out to just be a girl in a weasel costume, which is a lot less weirder than a giant weasel actually riding a tri-ped unicycle.

"Hello," the weasel girl said. "I'm Tori Aitch."

"But who are you?" Hermione questioned because she just has to know _everything_.

"My name, as I said Miss Questions, is Tori Aitch. I'm from the ancient land of Pentillion. It's been flooded, blown up, burned down, and blown up again. It's long overdue for another flooding. I'm an attorney for Harry."

"An attorney?" Hermione choked. "But how are you here if you're a Muggle?"

"Did I say I was a Muggle Miss Perpetrator?" Tori snapped. "No, I am a witch. But I was forced to become an attorney because of…well, reasons. Now, let the trial begin!"

Everyone twitched and moved slightly to the left. "I call as my first witness, Ginny Weasley."

Ginny went to the front of the room and to the witness stand. She sat quietly and waited patiently.

"You are Ginevra Weasley, correct?" Tori asked as she paced back and forth in front of Ginny on her tri-ped unicycle.

"Yes," Ginny answered.

"And what is your relationship to one Mr. Harry Potter?"

"He's my boyfriend," Ginny replied.

"Uh-huh…" Tori continued. "Would you say there is anything strange about your boyfriend?"

"Well…" Ginny thought. "He does seem to like to stare at the gum under the desks a lot. But I don't think it's a serious problem. I'm hoping it's just a phase that he'll grow out of shortly."

Tori nodded wisely. She reached in her pocket and pulled out a miniature notebook that had the words "Detective Puckerpuss's Notepad" written across the front. She made a note of the things that had just been said.

"May I request a recess?" Tori asked Dumbledore.

"Why of course!" Dumbledore answered. "Everyone follow me out to the Quidditch pitch! We'll have a game of kick ball!"

_Is there a fly in the dungeon? Will Snape admit he wears thongs? Is there an abundance of cashews that no one knows about? Find out the answers to these questions and more next time in _Harry Potter and the Unacceptable Title.

**Please review! If you review I'll give you all some…umm…PARTY PEANUTS!**


	11. Pillow Case and Feather Fetish

**This is Chapter 11, meaning it has gone bankrupt. This chapter is taking donations and appreciates them very much. It's also taking sympathy. **

**This chapter is dedicated to my friend Patrick because he makes me laugh.**

**Hello my wonderful reviewers! Thank you so much for your support and reviewing of the fic! I love you dearly. Now, on with the amazingly long list of comments back to all you awesome people. –Hands you your party peanuts-**

**AngelOnIce30- **Hello Brianna darling! Yes, I hate that your comp is a knickerbocker. Glad you love the fic and me! I love you too! I do feel the love, I do!

**HBP- **Glad you like the story! Does it really make you laugh? I'm glad. Keep reading, love ya.

**Kimi504- **To answer your questions: Yes, yes, and no there's not an abundance of cashews if you ate them. LOL. I've never heard that particular song before. But the whole pillow/marshmallow thing is just an old joke. I liked it and decided to use it. But I liked the song, thanks for bringing it to my attention!

**Heartless-Ice-Princess-Lucille****- **Um…I really don't know how to respond to your review because all it consisted of was the letter "I." I'd really love to hear your opinion. I don't know why all the review says is "I." Maybe the review got messed up somehow. But hey, it's a review so thanks for the "I."

**Gonzy Rocks Blisters****- **Oh, the confuzzledness. Oh well, as long as you're straight now. You shall find out soon enough why Tori is an attorney. LOL. Be patient my dear.

**Silver Dragon Princess****- **I'm glad you like my story! LOL, thank you. I like Harry's Holies too. Why do you like "Holy cucumber salad!"?

**Scallyluvsherself- **Thank you so much! But like I've said before, I don't so much rock as I do sway slightly. Your review put a big smile on my face. You're super sweet. Thanks again! Hope you continue to enjoy my fic!

**Patrick- **Hello darling! I enjoy writing the little stupid questions at the end, too. Again, I don't rock so much as I do sway slightly. Bricks seem to be hanging in the air waiting to fall on random people I guess. I didn't notice I'd done it more than once. But oh well. Why do you like my author's notes? I've gotten a couple people who don't like them. But I'd never get rid of them. LOL, no hun. A _cork _is what plugs up the champagne/wine bottles. You should now know what a _quark _is. The story has touched you deeply? How so? LMAO. Well, I'm glad you like my fic. Love ya lots!

**Seikou- **Yay! You finally reviewed! This makes me happy. LOL, umm…sad water came to me out of the blue. LOL, I'm so happy you finally reviewed. How's lover boy? AOML. Well, keep reviewing and remember I love ya!

**CSIGregSandersFan****- **LOL. Yes, the chase _is _on!

**Feather- **LMAO! "Goat nipples" is an _awesome _suggestion for a Holy! I love it. Thanks ever so much. I'm glad you like my fic! Tis quite alright to be crazy!

**ZadieCrowe- **Hey babe! LOL, Jim is gone forever. I don't know about Fabio and Oscar. We'll just have to see about them. I think I _can _believe it's not butter. Okay, I shan't ever drink sugar-free lemonade. Nope, I have no fucking idea what the hell a Poke Salat Festival is. What is it? I am sorry poor Kurt has no more money. Tis quite sad. Well, I love you darling! Talk to you later!

**ShortLeggedGiraffe****- **You shall have your party peanuts. Glad you like the story!

**Hermioneapril- **You, too, shall have your party peanuts. No, I don't have the missing chapters. I have to re-write them all. Oh well…

**Hiba- **Glad you like the story! And goodness I don't want you to die so here tis the update!

**Kim-** LOL. I love that you were reading this at work. I'm glad you like it; just don't get into trouble! I hope you will keep reading and reviewing!

**MsMcCartney****- **How can you hate Harry Potter? LOL. I know not everyone is as obsessed as I am…I think…at least I pretend to know that. But anywho, I'm glad my fic has brought you into the wonderful world of Harry Potter. I'm also glad you think it's funny! I'm assuming your name comes from Paul McCartney (though I could be wrong) in which case you rock because I love the Beatles!

**Calypso- **Hey darling! LOL, I suppose Oscar is a hottie. You may have him if you wish. –Hands you Oscar- Keep reviewing babe. Talk to you later.

**N.C. PsyChick****- **LOL. I loved your review. And thanks so much for the offering of the Holy suggestion. Yes, North Carolina is quite crunchy. I loved your review. It made me giggle madly. That would be awesome if your last name were PsyChick. I suggest you legally change it to that. Either that or Ethel. Oh, never mind, don't do that. Then you would be N.C. Ethel and that doesn't make much sense now does it?

**Ro- **Yes there is a plan trip coming up. I'm assuming that since you know that you read the fic before when it was posted in its longerness. Either that or you are psychic. A cashew is a type of nut. Glad you like the fic! Oh, please don't jump out of the window! It will make me cry and hyperventilate.

**avastarx****- **Aw, I'm so happy you like my sense of humor. I'm also glad I'm on your faves list. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside when I'm on people's faves lists. The bold print in the story is me. They are my author's notes that I randomly throw in. Oh my God! I inspired you? –tear- Oh that makes me feel gooey inside. Gooey? Ew…what the hell? Oh, please review as much as you possibly can! LOL. I love my reviews. Each and every one! I hate Cho Chang with a passion. You'll see more of Malfoy a little later. LOL. But he will not be a flaming homosexual. Nor will he be a sizzling bisexual. He'll be a simmering heterosexual.

**Misshogwarts1125****- **Ah, your review made me sad…oh well, at least you are honest. If you wish to discontinue reading this then I would understand.

**Brooke!- **Hi! I loved your exclamation marks beside your name. It made you jump out at me like a raccoon behind a dumpster. Glad you like the fic! You're going to make a movie? Wow, that's such a compliment! I'd love to see it if you can put it on the net. Please let me know. I do ask though that you credit me of course. Which I'm sure you planned on that anyway. But please keep reading and reviewing.

**QueEnfullofDraMa****- **LMAO, your review made me giggle. Glad you like my fic! Please keep reading and reviewing!

**Jessibelle- **LOL, thank you for the simile compliment. The points bothered this particular person because they felt I was bribing for reviews. Oh, well. –Gives you theoretical reward of pistachios instead- LOL, yes Fabio is random. I continue to enjoy your extremely organized reviews. Love you darling.

**chococoveredblaise****- **Hello darling! LMAO, scones were taking over the world? That's AWESOME! I loved your pork poem! I'd love to use it in here if you don't mind? That's exactly how I write Ginny's poems. I just write the first thing that pops into my head. Harry just likes to look at the gum under the desks because one day in my Theatre Arts class I was looking at the gum under the desks and my friend Regan was like, "What are you doing?" and I said, "Looking at the gum under the desk." And we laughed. So I wrote it down and now it's in this fic. LMAO, pork lady? Haahaa!

**goodybad****- **Oh I am soooo sorry! I didn't mean to leave you off the list! Twas an accident. So you get twice as many peanuts as everyone else. I'm terribly sorry. –Hug- Jim is gone and Oscar is just…Oscar. Yes it is Fabio.

**Chapter 11: Pillow Case and Feather Fetish**

Everyone entered the Great Hall/Courtroom thirty minutes later. They were all extremely sweaty and tired from the kickball game. They took their seats and waited for Dumbledore to announce the trial back in order.

Hermione found Russell rustling around in her afro and took him in her lap so she could pet him. He seemed awfully disgruntled. She assumed he was upset about the trial. But really Russell had been using Hermione's hair as a place to work on his plan for world domination. He was angry because she'd disturbed him.

Ron was busy trying to touch Hermione in places that he knew she would not allow. But he tried anyway. She kept slapping his hands but for some reason this made him even more persistent.

Dumbledore motioned for Tori to continue and she nodded. "As my next witness, I'd like to call Harry Potter to the stand."

Harry made his way up to the stand whilst trembling terribly. Ginny helped him up there and turned to face Tori when he'd sat down. "If it would be alright, I'd like to read a poem out loud. It seems to soothe Harry quite a bit."

"That's fine," Tori said, sitting down and waiting patiently.

Ginny cleared her throat and then began to recite:

"I see crackers alone by themselves

I don't mean white people

I mean real crackers

They sit on the counter unnoticed

No one cares

I like biscuits

They are good

Cheese whiz is not a waste of milk

You asshole

Now bring me my slippers

Thank you."

Everyone clapped loudly. She bowed and took her seat next to Hermione. Tori walked up towards Harry.

"So Harry," she said. "You say someone stole your pillow, is this correct?"

Harry shivered and with tears in his eyes exclaimed, "Holy underpants!"

"Calm down, Harry," Tori said soothingly as she scratched her stomach. The weasel suit was quite itchy at times.

Harry was now shaking violently. "Holy goat nipples!" He exclaimed. He took a deep breath and nodded.

"You say someone stole your pillow, is this correct?" Tori repeated.

"Well, actually," Harry said in a shaky voice, "I thought I'd eaten my pillow. But Hermione said she thought someone probably stole it."

"I see," Tori said whilst pacing on her tri-ped unicycle. "You may step down."

"Holy astigmatism!" Harry exclaimed and ran down next to Ginny. She held him and rocked as he cried into her shoulder.

"There, there," Hermione consoled patting Harry on the shoulder. "Here, Harry. Color, it'll make you feel better."

She handed him an animal coloring book and opened it to a picture of a hippopotamus. She handed him a blue M&M®. "Use that to color with. I don't have any crayons. But if you bear down on the paper with that hard enough I'm sure it'll leave some marks." **_I know the first time around I said that he colored with a purple Skittle® but I felt that I was using Skittles® a little too much in this fic. I do believe that I may have developed a Skittle® fetish. I'm not sure if this is entirely healthy or not…_**

Harry took the M&M and began to color the hippopotamus. Tori sighed and glanced dramatically at the people watching the trial. "I now would like to call Draco Malfoy to the stand," she said.

Draco yelped. Pansy got up from the floor and wiped her mouth frantically. Draco tried to conceal the fact that his pants were undone but he failed miserably. He zipped and buttoned them. He walked to the front of the courtroom. He took his seat and waited. He looked positively petrified.

Hermione gasped. Everyone assumed it was because Draco had been called up as a witness. Really it was because somehow Ron had unzipped her skirt without her knowing and had been able to get his hand under her panties. She slapped him in the face but that didn't matter to Ron. He was grinning happily.

Tori smiled at him and said, "Draco. Draco Malfoy. D. Malfoy. How are you? Good. Now, let's see. Draco, you seem scared…is there a reason?"

Draco gulped and shook his head. He was sweating now.

"Are you sure!" Tori yelled.

"Yes, I'm sure!" Draco screamed back.

"Are you positive!" Tori shouted.

"Yes, I am!"

"You can't handle the truth!" Tori yelled. She took a deep breath and wheeled her tri-ped unicycle closer to him. "Did you steal Harry Potter's pillow?"

"No…"

"I'll say it again…" she said. "Did-you-steal-Harry-Potter's-Pillow? Huh? Huh? Did you?"

"No! NO! Yes, I did!" Draco whimpered.

"Holy scripture!" Harry exclaimed.

"Yes," Draco cried. "I did, I stole his pillow. I couldn't help it! I have a feather fetish and I snuck into the Gryffindor boys' dormitory and took his pillow!"

"Son of a Death Eater, I've done it again!" Tori grinned. "The Pillow Case is closed!"

"Yes," said Dumbledore throwing a Q-tip into the mop bucket in the middle of the room. "Draco, as your punishment I sentence you to a month's worth of detention with Professor Sinistra. A week of that is for actually stealing the pillow. The rest is for Harry's disgustingly pitiful (not to mention extremely confuzzling) pain and suffering."

Draco turned and looked at Professor Sinistra who winked and cracked a whip. He whimpered again and climbed down from the stand.

Tori wheeled over to Harry and his friends. She smiled and said, "It was nice doing business with you Mr. Potter." She shook his hand. "But now I must be going."

"You're leaving?" Hermione asked, slapping Ron's hand away as he tried to touch her breast.

"Yes," she said. "I must get back to Pentillion. That flooding is bound to be coming soon and I left my father hanging upside down from the chandelier. You'll be receiving my bill in the mail." She winked, placed her weasel head back on her head, and wheeled out of the Great Hall into the sunset with soft music following her dramatically.

"Holy Shikaka!" Harry exclaimed, wiping his tears away. "I'm really going to miss her."

An owl fluttered into the Great Hall and landed on Hermione's head and Russell (who got very frightened and angry) scuttled up her shirt in alarm. He was angry because the owl had landed smack dab in the middle of his lair. His lair being Hermione's head.

Ron scowled and muttered, "Lucky bastard."

Hermione took the owl off her head (at which point Russell rushed up and nestled in her poofy hair). She looked at it and said, "Harry, it's for you."

He took the letter and opened it. It was from Tori. It was her bill. He owed her one hundred galleons and a pound of bacon. She had attached a letter as well. He read it aloud:

"Dear Mr. Weepy,

It has been a pleasure working with you. I hope all your future endeavors go well. In fact it's a necessity because you may have a nervous breakdown if they don't. Good luck with your baby. I hope me leaving doesn't set you into a fit of blubbering. Don't worry, we shall meet and again.

Sincerely,

Tori Aitch."

Harry sighed and put the letter in his pocket. Ginny patted him on the back and said, "Ready to go? I want to write some poems and I think you could use a nice nap."

He nodded. They got up and left. Everyone else that had been in the Great Hall had left too. Ron jerked around and looked around the room.

"Hermione!" he yelped. "We're alone!"

"So?"

"So, can we have sex now?" he asked anxiously.

"No," she responded. She took out her book entitled "One Hundred Ways to Make Boys Horny and Then Refuse to Have Sex with them."

Ron whimpered. He thought for a moment and said, "Well, then could you be a friend?"

"Ron," she began in an agitated tone. "I can't keep being your friend if you _always _want me to be a friend."

"Please, Hermione," he said. "Just one more time! I swear!"

Hermione closed her book and thought for a moment. "Okay," she said. "One last time. But this is it, okay?"

Ron nodded and undid his pants. Hermione decided to give him a hand job. Ron enjoyed it immensely. Hermione was quite bored. She read the entire time she was doing it.

**I don't really like this chapter too much. But oh well. Please review. If you review I'll give you…umm…a hug! So review and I'll give you a hug. **


	12. Altoids and THE WORLD

**This chapter is dedicated to Fall Out Boy because they are one of the best bands ever! If you've never heard them I suggest you listen to "Sugar, We're Going Down." It's my favorite song at the moment. I'd like it noted that I'm going to marry Fall Out Boy…yes, the whole band.**

**-Hugs all of you fabulous reviewers, except for ****Fiyren-Valkyrie**** and KarlaBob because they requested to not be hugged-**

**Meditation6- **-Gasp- Oh em gee! I have missed you so much! You need to get on AIM so we can talk! I haven't heard from you in so long! I hope you've been doing good! Thank you for my cookie! –Takes it- I'm so glad you brought up the possessed donut because I'd completely forgot about it! And now I can put it in the story again! -Hug- IM me, girl, so we can catch up!

**Chickens-of-Doom- **LOL. Yeah, I like the little endnotes too. Unfortunately, I forget to put them sometimes because in the original fic I didn't do that. I'll try to remember to put them from now on. Glad you like the story!

**Cassandra Lee****- **Oh, no. This is a Ron/Hermione story. I am a passionate Ron/Hermione shipper. I love to read and write Draco/Hermione fics though. But no, this is definitely a Ron/Hermione story; though it's mostly just nonsense.

**Ariel- **I'm glad you like the story! Yes, yes "friggle fraggle" is silly. I like silliness!

**Millsie- **I'm so glad you liked it! Yes, there is much much more! There will be thirty chapters in all and then a sequel.

**Brooke!- **LOL. Yes, your exclamation mark makes me very happy. I don't know if that's entirely healthy or not…but oh well! Oh, please don't forget about this fic! If you have to, put it on your alert list. I won't mind at all. LOL.

**Jules- ** LMAO, your review made me giggle. I shall think about your suggestions. Thanks for…suggesting them. Since they are suggestions I guess there's not much more you can do but suggest them. I hope you like the fic.

**Silver Ice- **You throw Q-tips in your mop bucket too? -Gasp- LOL. DUDE! Can I use that book title in the fic? Please? I shall credit you if I do. LOL. Kick ball is crazy. I've always hated it. Especially since Travis Conner kicked it and it hit me hard in the stomach in the fourth grade. –Growls- But I'm not still bitter over it. Oh, no. Of course you can have a pet lizard. –Hands you a lizard- Well, I hope you continue to enjoy this fic.

**Hiba- **Well, dear me I don't want you to die! So here's an update. Glad you like the fic! –Smile-

**Fiyren-Valkyrie****- **Okay, you shan't receive a hug. Instead I'll give you…uh…a…lighter. Yes, an orange lighter. Here you go. –Hands you an orange see-through lighter-

**ash vault rose garden****- **I'm so glad you like the fic. You do get the award for shortest reviews. But at least you reviewed. Thank you much!

**HBP- **Well! LOL. You only reviewed for the hug, huh? Okay, works for me.

**chococoveredblaise****- **LOL. Yay for the pork poem! Keep those poems coming. I enjoy them immensely.

**KarlaBob- **I thought you weren't reading anymore. Well, I'm glad you're back. You shall have a…envelope instead of a hug then.

**N.C. PsyChick****- **I absolutely LOVE your reviews. They make me giggle madly and force my mother to stare at me like I'm a baboon in a bikini. Please keep reading and PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD keep reviewing because I love them.

**Jessibelle- **LOL. I don't really have all that much to say. I love your organized reviews. But not as much as I love you. You rock. Talk to you later.

**Donna Nonna- **So you are Briana's friend? Hello! LOL. I'm glad you like the fic. Please continue to read and review.

**Like A Thousand Miles Of Fire****- ** Perhaps you did not review for the last chapter…because I go through the recent reviews and answer them. That's the only reason I can think that I would have skipped you. I'm terribly sorry about it though. –Gives you an extra hug-

**SummerRain- **I'm glad you like it! Please keep reading and reviewing.

**Goodybad- ** I'm glad you liked it!

**CSIGregSandersFan****- **LOL. Well of course it was Draco! Who else would it be?

**Silver Dragon Princess****-** My spatula is in the trash can. The handle broke.

**AngelonIce30****- **Well, I'm glad you like it. There will be a bit more of Draco in the future. Love ya lots.

**Heartless-Ice-Princess-Lucille****- **Oh, well I don't know what happened to your review. It makes me sad, but oh well. I'm glad you like the fic. Of course I care about your boyfriend, and your problems with you boyfriend, and your boyfriends socks! Well, please keep reviewing!

**QueEnfullofDraMa****-** Yes, Hermione is a very naughty girl. LOL. Your last sentence in your review made me giggle. Glad you like!

**ShortLeggedGiraffe****- **Glad you like!

**Chapter 12: Altoids and THE WORLD**

Hermione wandered down the hall doing her Prefect duties. She walked down the hall and came to the opening of the Entrance Hall. There she saw Draco Malfoy cowering in the middle of the room. He was lying on the floor in the fetal position. He was shaking like rattlesnake that's been put on a Tilt-A-Whirl for three hours and then locked in a freezer.

Hermione ran to him and stood over him. "Malfoy!" she yelped. "Are you okay!" Draco looked up at her and whimpered. "What's wrong?" she asked.

"It—it was horrible!" he shivered.

"What was?"

"I went over to that corner over there because I thought I'd heard a Bop-It®. So I went over and looked and it wasn't a Bop-It®, Granger. It wasn't a Bop-It® at all!"

"What was it?" Hermione asked curiously.

"Nothing but a bit of dust," he answered with a sniffle. "It seems that I imagined the Bop-It noises."

Hermione raised her eyebrows at him. Then she cleared her throat and said, "Uh…then why are you curled up like a sissy and sucking your thumb?"

"Because…because…I don't remember actually…" He stopped weeping and stood up. Hermione noticed that he wasn't wearing anything under his robes but a pair of tighty-whities. Hermione giggled. She turned and walked back down the hall. She felt someone following her so she turned around and saw Draco was right behind her.

"What do you want?" she asked.

Draco said nothing. He moved closer and closer to Hermione. She looked at him. He stared into her eyes BURNING A HOLE THROUGH HER SOUL WITH HIS GLEAMING ICY EYES…**_HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE? HOW CAN HE BURN A HOLE THROUGH HER SOUL IF HIS EYES ARE ICY? I SHALL STOP TYPING IN ALL CAPS now._**

He leaned in so close to Hermione's face she could count the number of eyebrows he had. She could feel his breath on her face. It smelled strongly of Almond Joy®. She blinked and looked at then whispered, "Draco, what are you doing? This is a Ron/Hermione fic."

Draco snapped back and said, "Oh…right…" he turned on his heel and skipped away in his skimpy underwear. Hermione shook her head and walked down the now completely dark corridor. When she shook her head she'd extinguished all the lanterns that hung in the hallway with her giant hair.

She entered the Common Room to find Ron slung over the back of the couch on his stomach. She stomped over to him and shook him vigorously. He awoke with a jerk. Hermione stared at him crossly.

"Why weren't you doing your prefect duties, Mr. Lazy Pants?" she asked.

"I…fell asleep," he answered.

"Holy Corey Feldman!" Harry exclaimed as he sucked on the end of his joint. He was crouched in the corner of the Common Room, his bloodshot eyes darting from side to side rapidly.

Hermione started to say something when someone crawled through the window. They all looked up. Harry threw his blunt across the room and yelped. The person crawling through the window stood up and looked around the room. She appeared to be a young girl. She had straight brown hair with a giant name tag on her shirt that said, "LISA."

She glanced around at the people in the room. Apparently, she'd been expecting it to be empty.

She reached inside her bra and pulled out a box of Green Apple Altoids®. "Have an Altoid®," she said in a Californian accent. **_Can I actually say that? Because it actually seems that people from California don't have accents. I'm the one with the accent as I am from North Carolina. But the Harry Potter characters are from Europe…so I guess that people from California would have an accent to them. Problem solved._**

Harry swallowed five of the tiny mints and Ron took one. Hermione declined.

"Come on," Lisa urged, stepping over the SAT pamphlets in the middle of the room. "You know you want to!"

"No, I don't," Hermione said. Her left eye began to twitch.

"Yesssss you do!" Lisa urged.

"No!"

"Yes!"

"No!"

"Is this turning anybody else on?" Ron asked as he vigorously popped the bubble wrap that he was holding.

"FINE!" Hermione yelled. She took an Altoid® and popped it in her mouth. "Happy?" She said this so loud and angrily that the Altoid® flew out of her mouth and hit Lisa in the head.

"Now take off your clothes," Ron said. "You know you want to."

"No," she said.

Lisa looked around the room again.

"Why are you here?" Hermione questioned as she threw her birth control pills out the window.

"I'm here to take over the world," Lisa answered. She fell onto the floor and started searching underneath the couch.

"Holy Fall Out Boy lyrics!" Harry exclaimed as he watched Lisa roll like a secret agent across the room on the floor. "Umm…if you're trying to take over the world why are you penetrating our common room?"

Lisa looked up. "Penetrating? I'm not having sex with your common room. And even if I was I couldn't penetrate anything. As I don't have a penis."

"That's what the author's thesaurus on her computer told her to put. It insisted, so she did. Anyway, why are you?" Harry asked.

"Because I know it's here somewhere!" Lisa answered. She was now probing through the inflatable kiddy swimming pool in the middle of the room.

"What do you know is here?" Ron asked as he taped a tiny mirror to his shoe.

Hermione put her hands on her hips and stared skeptically at Lisa. Ron walked up to Hermione and positioned his foot under her so he could easily see up her skirt.

"The world," Lisa answered, now looking under the hearthrug. "I told you that already."

"Holy Uno® cards!" Harry exclaimed.

"What?" Hermione asked beating Ron in the head with her wand. "That doesn't make any sense at all."

"Yes it does," Lisa said irritably. "There's a box with the word "world" written in very large, black, capital letters and I'm going to take it over…if I can find it."

She walked over to Harry and began to unbutton his pants.

"Holy fan blade!" Harry exclaimed.

Ginny jerked Harry away from Lisa by the waist band of his pants, forcing him to sit on her lap.

"The world is definitely _not_ in there," she snarled. "Believe me, I should know."

Lisa shrugged. She then opened the broom closet in the corner of the common room. They all glanced back over to her as they heard her shriek with delight. She entered the closet and came back out holding a giant cardboard box with "THE WORLD" written in giant, black, capital letters across it.

She placed it down on the floor and tore her clothes off. Underneath she was wearing a red spandex body suit quite like the one Brittney Spears wore in her horrid "Oops, I Did It Again" video. It too had a name tag on it that said, "Lisa" but underneath it said, "The ruler of THE WORLD." She put her hands on her hips and grinned.

"Muahahahahahaha," she said. "Ha."

"Holy toe rings!" Harry exclaimed.

Lisa climbed into the box sank down so she sitting cross-legged at the bottom. Only the top of her head was visible. She reached up, took the edges of flaps and pulled the box closed. It disappeared with a _poof_. They all graped…I mean gaped at the place where the box had been.

"Can we have sex now?" Ron asked Hermione.

"Soon," she answered. "I'm going to bed."

Ron fainted.

Harry and Ginny made out on the couch.

**Okay, I don't really like this chapter either. I have the feeling I'm losing my touch which really sucks. It makes me sad. Oh, well…Please review even though it's not so good. If you review I'll give you some pizza. I love all of my reviewers. You rock my insert article of my clothing that you would like to rock here .**

**I'd like it noted that I do not like Brittney Spears. I hate her with a passion.**


	13. Arby's Sauce and Spork

**-Gives everyone who reviewed some pizza-**

**the infamous blue notebook- **Yes, you spelled "parody" right. I'm glad you like the randomness. Please keep reading and reviewing.

**reflectivelvet- **POPTARTS! That was the greatest review in the history of fanfiction. You will make another appearance in chapter 15.

**Dutchess of Comma Splice-** -Bows to you- Well, I'm glad you like it. :)

**Meditation6-** Yeah, I don't really go on HPS anymore. But I'm glad you're still reading. Lisa is not me. If it was I'd have spelled Lisa Leigh'sa. That character is fashioned after my friend from California.

**bebechus- **I'm glad you like my story. The way I came up with the name Simpleton Xyloid was opening the dictionary, closing my eyes, and pointing.

**Jules- **I like D/Hr stories because they're fun. But I don't support that ship. I absolutely refuse to read H/Hr stories because they should all BURN IN HELL. Argh! Maybe the oven decided to burn itself alive. How dare your father. Doesn't he know that Florida is the Devil's playground? Or at least it's the Devil's monkey bars with a little rust on top. Poor parakeet.

**Hermione-is-my-Goddess- **Thanks for reviewing. I like your user name.

**bubonicweasle- **I'm glad you like it. But it's kind of ironicthat you said the last two chapter weren't the best because those are the only one'sI've rewritten so far. Oh well...

**chicleshmicle- **Thank you for reviewing. And thanks for taking the time to correct mySpanish. I knew it was wrong when I wrote it but I wasn't sure exactly how to make itcorrect so I left it. I like it wrong considering this isa parody fic. But thanks anyway.

**shipping- **-Rocks on-

**harrypotterismine-ilovehim- **Well, thanks. Apparently my accent is "cute" because people keep telling me that.

**Choir Princess- **Wow, NC and CA accents combined. You're a Weast Coast kid...or a...well no, that's the only way to put it.

**Dance to the RANDOMNESS- **Hi. LOL. I'm sorry it's taking so long. But I don't have the Internet at home and I was discouraged with this fic. But here it is.

**Patrick- **It lacked spark? Oh well. No, you hadn't reviewed in a long time. You better review this time. -Hug-

**HBP- **Aw thank you. I love you! -Muah-

**angelonice30- **I loved your review. It made me giggle.

**alBBie- **Hee hee...I loved your reviews. I shant make fun of you because you like Summerland. I watched like 7 minutes of it once and almost threw up, though. I'm an O.C. kind of girl myself. I own _Not Another Teen Movie_. Tis funny. I _should _write a tutorial. I love your randomness. You're better than me. Poo. I don't think I'm very funny. I'm just stupid. I love_ Law and Order_. We get to watch it in my Civics and Economics class and I'm all like "Woo!" There's this video we watch in there and it's hilarious. At the beginning it says, "Remember, this is a video tape. You can stop the tape, rewind the tape, pause the tape, or even destroy the tape at anytime during your viewing." It also says, "...and those are the Amendments of the U.S. Constitution. Know them. Love them. Say them in your sleep." There's other funny things but I feel I'm boring you. So I'll stop. Yes, I did know there was a Paprika on _Blue's Clues_. I loved _Blue's Clues_. I wanted to marry Steve. Even though I was in Middle School when that show came out. And then stupid Joe came and it all went downhill. Funny you should mention _Blue's Clues_ because something is coming up in the fic to do with it. Weezer is the coolest. But "Beverly Hills" sucks. It is not up to Weezer standards and it makes me sad. "Perfect Situation" is fine though. LMAO. You are so funny. I love Ryan on _Whose Line_. You should have more reviews than me because you are way funnier. I love when people review every chapter. Yes, Eminem used to be the Group Therapy teacher and Johnny Depp was the DADA teacher. But you can get into trouble for that soI sadly had to takethem out. I lovefor people to IM me. Do it anytime. Except for on AIM...send me a chat thingie instead because if you don'tI'll get knocked offline.I know there are mistakes in mySpanish. I didn't put them thereon purpose and I knew it was wrong when I wrote it, but I like them to be there.

**Sloane Snape- **Hi. I'm glad I entertain you. :)

**Silver Ice- **You are oh so sweet. I'm glad you like it!

**CSIGregSandersFan- **Thanks for reviewing. I'm glad you like it.

**Lady of the Realm- **I heart you too.

**Ellen-boot- **Aw, you're sweet. I will refrain from answering your questions because I don't want to give anything away. Why don't you like Tori?

**JOSSLY- **I'm glad you like it. Thanks much!

**Anna-** Thank you so much. I'm sorry your parents think you're insane. My mother tells me that I am daily.

**SmartRthanU- **Aw, thanks. Pizza is good.

**QueEnfullofDraMa- **Thankies. I'm glad you like it.

**Misshogwarts1125- **Not so bad...?

**Hiba- **Well, thank you. I'm glad you like the story.

**Goodybad- **I take it you like Britney Spears. Ah well...I won't hold it against you. I'm glad you liked the chapter. You better watch out. Lisa might bite your toes off if you try to take the World from her.

**ash vault rose garden- **Aw, that's so sweet. Thank you!

**LadyDelaidra- **Aw! I can't believe you chose my fic as your first one! I took your fanfic virginity! I'm so moved I think I may cry! I've never been anyone's hero before!

**Azu Luna- **I think I love you.

**TheReviris-** Yay, thanks for reviewing. I'm glad I portayed Lisa well. There are alway Altoids involved when the world is being taken over.

**hopeforthefuture-** Aw, I'm glad you like it. I love when people put me on their faves list.

**KarlaBob- **Are you back?

**CHICKENS of DOOM-** Thank you, I'm glad you liked it.

**Neko-Arisa- **It was dull.

**Jessibelle- **-Rocks your headband- I love you!

**Zadie Crowe- **Oh you are SO being one of my bridesmaids when I marry Fall Out Boy. I loved your review. You are the coolest. I love you!

**

* * *

**

**It's come to my attention that there are some very young readers of this fic. So that I don't feel that I'm corrupting you young'uns I'm going to put up a warning in case you don't want to read the sex parts. Though, remember, this fic is still rated R for a reason.**

**Because of certain circumstances with the things that happened in book six and the fact that it contradicts many things that happen in the fic, we're going to pretend that book six didn't happen. Just for the fic though. Don't go around saying "Hermyandronforevr said that book six didn't happen so I believe her." Oh, no. The book did happen. We're just going to pretend it didn't. Alright? Good…now let's get on with it!**

* * *

**Chapter 13: Arby's Sauce and Spork**

It was the last day of classes before Christmas break and the Gryffindors sat in the dungeon classroom of Professor Snape. He walked amongst them throwing little boxes of Dots® at each of the students. "Professor Dumbledore insisted that we give you these treats because it's almost Christmas," he snapped unhappily. "Don't eat them yet."

"Can we chew on the box?" Harry asked.

"No!" Snape answered.

Ron lowered his box from his mouth guiltily as he'd already started chewing on it. The bell finally rang and Harry, Ron, and Hermione went to the Great Hall for lunch. Ginny came to the table. Her stomach was now the size of a small volleyball even though she was only 2 months pregnant. She said, "Hermione I need to get you a Christmas present. What do you like besides books, people, and sex?"

"Holy waffle maker!" Harry exclaimed. "Sex with people on books?"

"Harry!" Ginny shouted. "You're not smoking!"

"I know," he said. "I've quit because of the baby. I don't want the baby to be addicted to pot."

"Well, that's good of you," said Hermione.

"Can I have your stash then?" Ron asked. "And Hermione, who are these people you're having sex with on books?"

Harry handed over a rolled up plastic bag to Ron and Hermione ignored him. "I don't care what you get me Ginny," she said. "I'm sure I'll love it."

Ginny nodded, kissed Harry on the cheek, and left.

Harry looked up. "I was just thinking," he said. "What would you do if you didn't have nipples?"

Hermione was about to answer when Parvati and Lavender ran up to them. Parvati shrieked, "The entrance hall is being flooded with Arby's sauce!"

"Holy _Boy Meets World_!" Harry exclaimed. "But the mess! Think of the mess!"

"Oh, no," said Lavender. "The sauce is in the packages. But the entrance hall is still flooded with them."

"Who did this?" Hermione asked seriously.

"I don't know," said Lavender.

"Blame it on Wal-Mart®," Ron suggested.

"Why?" Hermione questioned.

"Why not?" Ronreplied."I say, we blame Wal-Mart for everything. It would make everything easier on everybody."

"Where's Martha Stewart when you need her?" Harry asked.

"How would Martha Stewart help?" Hermione asked.

"She could take all the Arby's sauce and make it into a beautiful table centerpiece," Harry answered.

Right then a few ghosts entered by coming through the wall. One of them was a ghost of a teenage boy. He was very tall with long brown hair that hung in his eyes. He flew over and sat next to Hermione. They all stared at him.

He said nothing.

"Hi," Hermione said cautiously as she adjusted Russell on her head.

"Hi," said the ghost.

"Who are you?" Ron asked.

"Matt."

"Um…how come we've never seen you before?" Harry asked.

"Well," Matt began. "I don't want to get into the whole story because it's really long but to sum it up: the hacky sac turned out to be really sketchy, a tanning bed really can set the woods on fire, and I learned to never say that American chickens don't have the right to vote."

"But American chickens _don't_ have the right to vote," Hermione said promptly.

"Didn't I _just_ say to never say that!" Matt yelled. He huffily dived through the table.

"I wonder how he died," Ron murmured.

"Well," Hermione sighed. "We've got Herbology. We'd better go. We're supposed to learn to put energy in a box and never let it out."

"What does that have to do with Herbology?" Harry asked.

"You know, ever since you laid off the pot you've become unbearably inquisitive and it's about to drive me nuts!" Hermione snapped.

"Holy breast augmentation!" Harry exclaimed. "I _just _quit!"

"Yes, well," Hermione began. "Having a dog named Pee Wee that'll bite people's ankles doesn't mean you deserve payment for burning the roast beef. Now, let's go!"

And so they went. They swam through the ocean of Arby's sauce packetsand out the door to the greenhouses.

Christmas Eve was creeping upon them fast.

It was now Christmas Eve. **_I told you._**

They all sat in the common room smoking cigars and drinking brandy. Hermione sighed and looked at Ron.

"So, I told the prostitute that the Applejacks® were in the blender and the condoms were in the shoebox…not the other way around," Seamus told Dean.

"Ron, I think it's time we go to the Astronomy tower," Hermione said.

Ron, with his bloodshot eyes, got up and said, "Okay."

Ginny jumped up and said, "Wait, I have a poem before you go!" She cleared her throat.

"Oh, the poor crossword puzzles

How lonely they do get

For they are less loved

Than the search-a-words

I've begun to regret

The eating of that scone

Die little ant bastards

Die

Thank you."

Everyone clapped. Then Hermione took Ron by the hand and led him to the Astronomy tower. Ron sleepily sat on the bed that was conveniently placed in the middle of the room.

"So, Ron," Hermione whispered. "Would you like me to be a friend?"

"You know," Ron said. "Every time we do that I get all worked up. Maybe it's the orgasm…maybe not. But all I know is that I'm all the time asking you if we can have sex and every time you say no. So now I know I'm just setting myself up for failure each time. And it's just not good for my self-esteem for you to keep—where are your clothes?"

Hermione had removed all her clothing and was standing before him without her clothing; because she removed it, which is why she was standing there without it. Hermione moved extremely close to Ron and kissed him.

"But after we do this we're going to be boyfriend and girlfriend, okay?" Hermione said.

"Yup, okay, that's great, mmhmm," Ron muttered.

**XXXX WARNING WARNING WARNING XXXX**

They had sex.

**XXXX WARNING OVER WARNING OVER WARNING OVER XXXX**

Ron and Hermione entered the common room the next morning to find it completely empty except for Harry, Ginny, and Colin Creevey (who was passed out on the floor sucking his thumb). Ginny was sitting on Harry's lap hugging a black Spork.

"Look what I got for Christmas!" she yelped, holding up the Spork.

"That's great," said Hermione. "Thanks for the book by the way."

"No problem," said Ginny.

"What book did you get?" Ron asked.

"_One Thousand and Four Ways to Have Sex with People on Books_," Hermione answered.

"Great," said Ron. "Then that'll be the first book we have sex on."

**Dear God, I'm going to cry. Some how my mother managed to copy the information on one of my disks and replace the information on another disk with it and therefore I lost all the information on the second disk which had chapter 19 on it. So now I'm missing even more of the chapters. This is killing me. But I'll be okay I guess. **

**Please review. If you do I'll give you a Coke® slushy from the convenient store near my house. They're really good. And if it's a good review I'll also give you an after-dinner mint.**


	14. Sleep Talk and Ignorance

**HI EVERYBODY! I know it's been forever and a day since I updated this story but I'm back! **

**-Gives a Coke slushy to everyone who reviewed-**

**Hermione-April- **Well, I'm glad you like my story so much but please do not go all emo and kill yourself. Ah those emo kids…Well, I have updated. You get an after-dinner mint because you mentioned emo kids.

**Jules-** No I have not given up. I'm sorry it took so long to update. But I'm back now! You definitely get a mint after all that randomness. Pot-smoking kangaroos are the best. I'm sorry Ginny's poems make you forget to urinate.

**magic cheese-** Your review made me giggle. I'm glad you like my story. You get an after dinner-mint. I'm thinking that you are the Jules up there because your profile says your name is Jules, but just in case you're not, I gave separate responses. I like clean penguins. It's so cool that your brother's name is Jonas. I'd be singing "My Name is Jonas" to my brother all the time if that was his name. But sadly it's not. H/Hr shippers _should_ die and go to hell. I love Garbage! The band…not trash. Trash is gross. Garbage rocks. I always feel like I've forgotten something when I leave for school too! And my favorite color is also blue. I can't believe you like doing laundry! Oh my God. Me too! You're cool.

**dixio- **Aw. You get an after-dinner mint because you called me brilliant. Also, I think it's super cool that you recommended my fics on your profile. That makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside.

**Fanficky-chicky-** I'm glad you like it! You get an after-dinner mint because you said wah! and I like your name.

**Seikou-** Of course you get a mint. Vince is like a slushy? Ha ha…Ass off my laugh.

**Rereviewing-** This is your favorite story ever? Aw! Thanks. What name do you usually use when reviewing?

**MsMcCartney-** I'm glad you like my story. You get a mint because you asked so nicely.

**random crazy fan-** Oh my Ghandi! That's so sweet that you would have created an account just so you could review for me! I'm glad you like my story so much! You get a mint because your review was super long and cool and because you used he word "superb".

**Risifruttiii-** I'm glad you like it. You get a mint because you said I was your hero. You like good music. That's awesome.

**Silver Ice-** I'm glad you like! You get a mint because you said "tickle my pickle".

**Prunelle-** Thanks, I'm glad you like it. The hippos get you the mint, the cherries get you the straw for your slushy.

**LadyDelaidra-** You made me giggle. I'm glad you like it. You get a mint because you gave me a hug and you said "uber".

**pettybureacrat-** I'm so glad you like my story! And I think it's super cool that you're older and you read Harry Potter. That rocks. For that, you get a mint!

**ZadieCrowe-** I miss you! You get a mint! I didn't know you and Kurt had gotten back together. Woot for that!

**Azu Luna-** Haha! Hermypants and Ronnieskittles! "Bang-bang-choo-choo-train-get-up-on-it-and-ride-that-thang...thang." You make me laugh so hard. You get a whole box of after-dinner mints. Yes, the name Azu Luna does kicketh the ass. You rock my mushroom necklace! Ha ha…chocolate-covered shamrock pairing…

**Jessibelle-** Hi! I miss you. I was sad to see how unorganized your review was (just kidding). You get a mint anyway because you're you. Though, I shouldn't be supporting your habit. Love ya! I believe your birthday was March 2nd, correct? Well, happy belated birthday! Also, I GOT A JOB! Woot.

**Hiba-** LMAO! "I thought you died" booked an after-dinner mint for you.

**Ellen-boot-** Matt. Martha Stewart does suck. I'm glad you like my writing. You definitely get a mint.

**reflectivelvet- **You get an after-dinner mint because you said I fucking rock and because you're you. It is fucking crazy as hell that Nic and Spencer are roommates. How small is this world that you rule anyway?

**Blonde-Existentionalist- **Hee hee…you get a mint. I liked your review. Also, I shall give you a slushy that is both Cherry and Coke. As for your question…I have no idea. Use your imagination. LOL.

**alBBie- **Okay, you get like a whole box of mints and two slushies. You are hilarious. I don't think I'm that funny. I too love _Boy Meets World_ and _Blue's Clues_ (definitely one with Steve, Joe sucks). It's weird you say that because Steve makes an appearance in this fic very soon. No, I've never seen the Wal-Mart episode of _South Park_ because I don't watch _South Park_. I really don't know how I get so many reviews. It's just luck I guess because I really don't think I'm that good of a writer. But others seem to like my stories so I guess I don't suck too badly. Of course I read your whole review! I loved it. I love getting mad props yo.

**bebechus- **You're so sweet. You get a mint because you said this was one of the best stories you've ever read and because you used your CAPS LOCK.

**anonymous yodeler-** Ha ha…you get a mint because your review made me laugh and because I love the name you signed with.

**CHICKENS of DOOM- **Ha ha…oh God. You definitely get a mint.

**Neko-Arisa- **You get a mint because you said the word "uber". Hermione will definitely let you borrow her _One Thousand and Four Ways to Have Sex with People on Books_ book.

Thanks so much to** Candi, lebebew, Ariel, mkanda, Meditation6, YoukaiGirl13, **and** KarlaBob **for reviewing.

**This chapter is dedicated to anybody out there who has put me on their favorites list for any of my stories. You rock.**

**Chapter 14: Sleep Talk and Ignorance**

Collin, who was still curled up on the floor, snored loudly in his sleep as they all sat around the common room. Hermione walked over to the fire. She was in a little bit of pain having lost her virginity the night before. Said pain was causing her to walk like a duck that's just lost its virginity the night before.

"Oh yes, spank me hard, Betsy!" Collin yelled in his sleep.

Everyone ignored him.

"Holy roach clips!" Harry exclaimed. "Why are you waddling like a duck that's just lost its virginity last night, Hermione?"

"Oh…I'm doing an experiment to see if the reason a duck's quack doesn't echo has anything to do with the fact that it walks like this." She demonstrated by waddling over to the couch where she sat down next to Ron.

"Wait a minute!" Ginny yelped. "I know that walk! You had sex didn't you?"

"No!" Hermione lied. She felt that sex was an intimate thing that shouldn't be shared with anyone. Also, she wanted everyone to think she was a virgin still. "We didn't have sex, did we Ron?"

"No…No…Yes-we-did!" Ron said proudly.

"Holy baboon eggs!" Harry exclaimed.

"I'm not putting on the cow outfit again, Daddy. I'm not!" Collin squealed.

They ignored him.

"Ooh!" Ginny squealed. "I've just written a poem in my head for the occasion." She stood up, holding her belly, cleared her throat and began:

"Sexual acts

Are nice

With the orgasms

Unless you have to fake it

And then still get pregnant

That sucks

Oh yes

So romantic is the line

'When are you going to let me hit it?'

Fuck fun is fucking fun

Be careful

'Cause you're dealin' with some thugs

Who like to hit it from back

Don't bust on my stomach again, dickhead

Wax that ass bitch

Thank you."

Everybody applauded her as she bowed, almost toppling over because her belly was so big. She threw her gang signs into the air.

"Holy waffle maker!" Harry exclaimed. "I never knew you could be so gangster, Ginny."

At that moment Matt the Ghost flew in through the wall.

"Oh, it's you," Hermione said as she threw her diaphragm into the hole that lead to the fiery pits of hell in the middle of the room, thankful for a distraction. "I wanted to ask you how you died."

"Just put it in your mouth!" Collin stated.

They all ignored him.

There was silence.

"Well…?" Hermione said impatiently.

"Well…what?" Matt said. "You said you _wanted _to ask me how I died. You didn't actually ask. Therefore I'm not in any way obligated to give an answer of any sort until you in fact come out and ask the question."

"It's only electricity! It's not going to hurt you!" Collin said.

They ignored him.

"Fine," Hermione replied. "How did you die?"

"Well," Matt began as he straightened his trench coat, "it's a very exciting tale. You see, I like to take long walks in the woods when I'm really drunk and read these books about this kid who thinks he's just like a normal person and then it turns out he can do magic and shit. I can't remember the name of them though. Anywho, this one day I was doing that very thing when out of nowhere these guys dressed up like Power Rangers came up from behind me and stole my lollipop!"

"Holy banana hammocks!" Harry exclaimed.

"I know right," Matt said. "That green one was a tricky little bastard. Well, then if that wasn't enough…I was trying to get back home and I was very gloomy because man did I want that lollipop. Anyway…All of a sudden this giant weasel comes charging at me at full speed carrying an orange drop cord and a knife."

"I told you giving Peter those Reese's Pieces® would lead him into a false sense of security!" Collin bellowed.

They ignored him.

"So that's how you died?" Hermione asked, trying to cross her legs but then realizing that was a bad idea. "The weasel stabbed you?"

"No," Matt answered as if that was the dumbest thing anyone could have said. "The weasel did kill me but it lashed me with the drop cord. I died from highlighter poisoning."

"What does that have to do with the weasel?" Hermione asked.

"You are so insensitive!" Matt yelled. With that he dived through the floor.

"I used to eat erasers," Collin commented.

He was ignored yet again.

"Ron," Hermione said abruptly. "Will you come with me to check on my leaf collection?"

"Sure," said Ron. He was a lot more cooperative now that he was getting laid. He had the sneaking suspicion that he was going to get some if he went upstairs because as everyone knows, the phrase "Will you come upstairs with me to check on my leaf collection?" actually means "Will you come upstairs with me and fuck my brains out?"

They walked upstairs to the girls' dormitory where Hermione pulled a box full of dried leaves out from under her bed and caressed each of them while Ron watched. For some odd reason this action made him extremely horny. He poked Hermione in the hip with his wand.

"Hey!" she cried. "Watch where you're sticking that thing!"

"I think we should have sex," Ron stated matter-of-factly, as he put his wand back into his pocket.

"I don't have any more condoms Ron," Hermione answered. "We used all five of the ones I had last night."

"Oh, yeah," Ron said, grinning broadly.

"I don't know what you're looking so smug about," Hermione said with irritation. "The only reason we used five is you spent two minutes each on the first four. And then you only spent fifteen with the last one. Honestly, I don't know why it is that you guys can hold back forever with oral and manual sex but you turn into minute-men when it comes to actually fucking."

Ron was gloomy. Hermione put her leaf collection back under her bed. And they went back downstairs. Collin was thrashing around on the floor like a fish out of water and everyone would have been graping…I mean gaping at him if they weren't so busy ignoring him.

"Boy do I like it rough!" he called out, still sleeping.

They ignored him.

All of the sudden they heard a scream. They all rushed out into the hallway where they found Matt the ghost huddling in the fetal position in the air looking as though he'd just seen a gho…wait…

Their eyes traveled to where he was staring which was across the hall. They all graped…I mean gaped. It was Tori dressed in her giant weasel costume and riding her tri-ped unicycle.

"Hiya!" she said. Then she turned to Harry. "I told you we'd see each other again, Mr. Weepypants."

_To be continued…_

**Poo. Kill me. Kill me now.**

**The next chapter will be better and longer. I promise. I need some inspiration. Please review.**

_Will everyone stop ignoring Collin? How many peppers did Peter Piper pick? Why isn't there a law against people wearing Hollister shirts? Will Tori deflower Neville? Is Neville a homosexual cross-dressing Democrat? Find out the answers to these questions and more next time in_ Harry Potter and the Unacceptable Title. 


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